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Book 3j? 



Copyright^ 



JO 



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COPYRIGHT DEPOSIT. 



Cfr-4^ &~ 



THE TRIUMPH OF THE 
PHILISTINES 



(130 copies only of this edition were printed 
February, 1899) 



THE TRIUMPH OF THE 
PHILISTINES 



AND HOW MR. JORGAN PRESERVED THE MORALS 

OF MARKET PEWBURY 

UNDER VERY TRYING CIRCUMSTANCES 



A COMEDY IN THREE ACTS 



BY 

HENRY ARTHUR JONES 

H 

AUTHOR OF 

'THE TEMPTER,' 'THE CRUSADERS,' 'THE CASE OF REBELLIOUS 

SUSAN,^ 'THE MIDDLEMAN,' ' THE DANCING GIRL,' 'jUDAH,' 

'THE MASQUERADERS,' 'the LIARS, 'the rogue's 

COMEDY,' 'THE PHYSICIAN,' ' THE GOAL,' ' THE 

MANOEUVRES OF JANE,' ' MICHAEL AND HIS 

LOST ANGEL,' ETC. 



THE MACMILLAN COMPANY 

LONDON: MACMILLAN & CO., Ltd. 

1899 

All rights reserved 






FR4S2.7 

>S93 



Copyright, 1899 
By THE MACMILLAN COMPANY 



TWO COPic- V£0, 




SJSoimt BDIeaisant ©rinterp 

J. Horace McFarland Company 
Harrisburg, Pa. 






>< 



5 

f 



M. Augustin Filon, writing in the Revue des deux 
Mondes of the character of Sally Lebrune, says: 

"The study is a brilliant one, and at moments really 
profound. It is the first time, if I mistake not, that an 
English dramatist, in introducing a Frenchwoman into 
his work, has turned out anything more than a collection 
of mere external peculiarities, tricks of facial expression, 
and mistakes in pronunciation and in language, and that 
he has penetrated into the very soul, or at least into the 
Stat d'dme, of another nation, differentiating it from 
his own." 



(v) 



PREFACE 

I notice, on the rare occasions when I go to 
church, that I roll aloft the Psalms of David 
with a livelier and lustier relish than any of 
my neighbors in the adjacent pews. I wish 
I could claim that this lyric ecstasy arises 
from a superfcetation of British godliness 
within me, swelling me to a proud and just 
conceit of my superiority to all the sinners 
around me. But, alas ! it comes from no 
such praiseworthy motive, and is indeed noth- 
ing but the natural exaltation of an English 
dramatist on getting some clue to his country- 
men's notions on the subject of morality. For 
these worshippers who are chanting the songs 
of a treacherous murderer, a liar, and an 
adulterer — a man after God's own heart, as 
the Scriptures say — a treacherous murderer, 
a liar, and an adulterer, — a royal man for all 
that, — I say, these good worshippers who 
are so naively employed are the same average 
English playgoers who in the autumn of 1894 

(vii) 



viii PREFACE 

arose in a panic of wrathful zeal for the 
morality of our stage, and in a series of let- 
ters to the Times overwhelmed for a year or 
two the rising school of English drama. And 
it pleases me more than I can say to hear 
these same good folks thus sweetly discours- 
ing the songs of the royal murderer, liar, and 
adulterer, in the same way that it pleases 
me to see the elders of the Scotch Kirk join 
in the national memorial to Robert Burns. 
And so, on the rare occasions when I go to 
church, I roll aloft these Psalms with a glad 
heart and a loud voice, for then I get a clue 
to the essential notions of my countrymen 
on morality. And what are these notions in 
reality but an echo of Nature's own voice ? 
Listen to the melodious throb of her inces- 
sant gong, drowning all the croaks and hisses 
of priests and creeds, "Vitality is morality! 
Morality is vitality ! Vitality is morality ! 
Morality is Vitality!" 

Fortified by the possession of this clue to 
the essential notions of my countrymen on 
morality, and having duly read and pondered 
the letters in the Times, I wrote The Trimnph 



PREFACE ix 

of the Philistines. The severe ethical purpose 
underlying its conception was never perceived, 
and I may perhaps be allowed to point it out. 

I have been constantly accused of preach- 
ing in my plays, and have never been able to 
discover on what foundation this accusation 
rested. Probably it arose from the fact that 
for many years I have been reiterating a few 
very plain, simple rules which will have to 
be comprehended and acted upon before 
we can pretend to have anything worthy to 
be called an English national drama. But 
there is no more preaching in these rules 
than there would be if, in a degenerate and 
degraded condition of carpentry, a carpenter 
were to give a few simple rules in the art 
of making honest tables and window-sashes. 
But it is the habit of the Englishman to j 
sniff for doctrine everywhere. 

The late William Morris held Socialist 
meetings at Kelmscott House on Sunday 
evenings. A Hammersmith woman with a 
luminous notion of his peculiar tenets was 
seen to point out his house to a neighbor, 
exclaiming at the same time, "There's where 



x PREFACE 

the good gentleman lives that's so kind to 
the poor ! And he has a Sunday school 
every Sunday evening ! " With the same 
luminous notion of what I had been saying 
about the drama, the accusation of preaching 
in my plays was continually parroted by criti- 
cism, and was at length repeated by the 
venerable Quarterly Review. 

Now no right-minded man would dream of 
assaulting his grandmother. Nor would any 
right-minded man be guilty of offering an 
indignity or impertinence to a figure so ap- 
pealing in its senility, and so protected by 
immemorial prescriptive right of uttering the 
wrong word in criticism, as the Quarterly 
Review. 

And I hope that, however low I may hence- 
forth be classed as a playright, justice will at 
least be done to my kindness of heart and 
my reverent forethought for the aged, as 
witnessed by the fact that months before the 
article in the Quarterly Review appeared, I 
studied how to justify it by informing The 
Triumph of the Philistines with the severe 
ethical purpose I have already mentioned. 



PREFACE xi 

Having thus determined to vindicate those 
who find a didactic purpose in my plays, I 
cast about me for the most suitable moral to 
illustrate. Looking round upon my country- 
men, upon their smug and banal ideals, their 
smug and banal ways of living, their smug 
and banal forms of religion, their smug and 
banal terror of art, their smug and banal 
haste to make the best of both worlds, I 
concluded that the most necessary moral to 
drive home to Englishmen to-day is the 
wholesome one contained in a verse of 
Ecclesiastes, "Be not righteous overmuch: 
why shouldest thou destroy thyself ? " Con- 
sidering the source of this precept, its 
authority will hardly be questioned by the 
mass of my countrymen. The necessity for 
its rigid enforcement will be equally apparent, 
I hope. 

In my strenuous endeavour to enforce a 
moral I fear I did not take care to write a 
good play. But thus it happens when a 
moral purpose is allowed to get the upper 
hand in a work of art. In any case, I hope 
the sacrifice of art to ethics which I have 



xii PREFACE 

made in the following pages will be duly 
recognized and placed to my credit. And I 
trust my natural kindness of heart will not 
be again called upon to vindicate and shelter 
those who make the assertion that I preach 
in my plays. For Mr. George Alexander, 
who produced The Triumph of the Philistines 
with great beauty and taste and consideration 
for the author, tells me that he lost a hundred 
ftnd thirty pounds on the run. Alas ! for our 
gallant effort to enforce upon the English 
people this excellent moral, " Be not right- 
eous overmuch : why shouldest thou destroy 
thyself?" H. A. J. 

30th December, i8g8. 



Produced by Mr. George Alexander at the St. James's 
Theatre, nth May, 1895. 



PERSONS REPRESENTED 

Sir Valentine Fellowes. 

Willie Hesselwood. 

Mr. Jorgan ( of Jorgan and Pote, wholesale boot 

Mr. Pote \ manufacturers, Market Pewbury. 

Mr. Blagg. 

Mr. Modlin. 

Mr. Skewett. 

Mr. Wapes. 

Mr. Corby. 

Thomas Blagg. 

Wheeler. 

Footmen. 

Lady Beauboys. 
Alma Suleny. 
Miss Angela Soar. 
Sally Lebrune. 



The Scene is laid in the Hall at " The Studios," near the 
town of Market Pewbury, in the present time. 

Four months pass between Acts I. and II , and two days 
pass between Acts II. and III 



(xiii) 



The following is a copy of the original play-bill of 
1 ' The Triumph of the Philistines. ' ' 



ST. JAMES'S THEATRE. 



Sole Lessee and Manager — Mr. George Alexander. 



To-night, Saturday, nth May, 1895, and every 
evening at 8.30, 

THE TRIUMPH OF THE PHILISTINES, 

and how Mr. Jorgan preserved the morals 

of Market Pewbury under very 

trying circumstances 

AN ORIGINAL COMEDY, IN THREE ACTS, 

By HENRY ARTHUR JONES 



. ket Pewbury. 



Sir Valentine Fellowes. . 
Willie Hesselwood .... 

,, T f of J organ and Pote, 

Mr. Jorgan J wh J oiesaie boot 

Mr PoTE j manufacturers, Mar- 

Mr. Blagg . 
Mr. Modlin. 
Mr. Skewett 
Mr. Wapes . 
Mr. Corby . 
Thomas Blagg 
Wheeler . . . 

(xiv) 



Mr. George Alexander. 
Mr. H. V. Esmond. 

Mr. Herbert Waring. 
Mr. E. M. Robson. 

Mr. Ernest Hendrie. 
Mr. Arthur Royston. 
Mr. James Welch. 
Mr. H. H. Vincent. 
Mr. Dunkan Tovey. 
Master Frank Saker. 
Mr. Mark Paton. 



THE TRIUMPH OF THE PHILISTINES xv 

Lady Beauboys Lady Monckton. 

Alma Suleny Miss Elliott Page. 

Miss Angela Soar Miss Blanche Wilmot. 

Sally Lebrune Miss Juliette Nesville. 



The scene is laid in the Hall at "The Studios,' ' near the 
town of Market Pewbury, in the present time. 



Four months pass between Acts I and II. , and two days 
pass between Acts II. and III. 



Matinee Sunday next and every Saturday at 3. Doors 
open at 2.30. Carriages at 4.45. 



ACT I 

Scene — The Hall of the Studios near Market 
Pewbury, a large, irregular apartment converted 
from an old English manor-house. 

At the back is a large, wide old oak staircase leading 
up to gallery, l. A handsome oak railing in front 
of gallery. The old ceiling with rafters. A door 
at the back of the gallery. Downstairs, a door R. 
leading to the living apartments. Downstairs, l., 
a large, old-fashioned fireplace with looking-glass 
above it. A doorway, l., Ieadi7ig to a little outer 
hall. A small window by the side of the door. The 
whole scene is most artistically decorated and fur- 
nished, and gives evidence in all its details of the 
greatest taste and care. An easel, holding a large 
picture with its back to the audience, stands down 
stage, r. The picture is covered with a holland 
covering which is removed by pulling a string. A 
very low, long, easy rocking-chair is down stage ^ l. 
Old armour, swords, shields, etc., hangitig on the 
staircase and walls. 

Enter Lady Beauboys, l., shown in by Wheeler. 

B (1) 



2 THE TRIUMPH OF THE PHILISTINES act i 

Lady B. {a bright, energetic, aristocratic lady 
of about fifty-five*). Mrs. Suleny ? 

Wheeler. Yes, my lady. 

Lady B. Will you tell her that Lady Beau- 
boys has brought Sir Valentine Fellowes to 
see her? {Exit Wheeler, r.) 

Lady B. {goes to door, l. ; calls out). Val ! 
Val! You mustn't do that in England! Val, 
you'll shock everybody ! Dk ! Dk ! Dk ! 

Enter, r., Alma Suleny, a very young widow in 
widow's head-dress. 

Lady B. {cordially). My dear ! {Kisses her.) 
I've brought Sir Valentine to talk over matters 
with you before Mr. Jorgan and the town 

council arrive. But {goes back to door, l. ; 

calls) Val ! {Comes back to Alma.) You know, 
dear, he never expected to come into the Pew- 
bury estates, and he hasn't lived in England 
since he left Oxford ten years ago. And, after 
having spent so much of his life abroad, you 
can't imagine what a difficulty I have in per- 
suading him that what it is quite proper to do 
in France and Italy, it is quite improper to do 
in England. And he has no idea how particu- 
lar we are in Market Pewbury ! 

Alma {very bitterly). We are very particular 
in Market Pewbury. 



act I THE TRIUMPH OF THE PHILISTINES 3 

Lady B. {goes to picture, draws the cord, pulls 
aside the ho Hand covering which hangs over it). 
Is this the picture that Mr. Jorgan is making 
all the fuss about ? The Bacchante ? 

Alma. Yes ; that's the picture. Tell me 
candidly, do you see anything improper in it? 

Lady B. {after having looked at the picture 
critically}. Not in the least. But I'm quite 
sure Mr. Jorgan will. 

Alma. It seems so hard, after all my 
father's and my husband's lifelong exertions in 
the cause of English art, that just as we dis- 
cover a young artist with a touch of real 
genius, — it seems so hard that Market Pew- 
bury should pounce down upon his picture as 
improper. 

Lady B. How did Market Pewbury come 
to know anything about it ? 

Alma. When the butcher boy brought the 
meat the other morning he caught sight of it 
in Willie's studio, and described it to his 
companions. Mr. Blagg, the butcher, heard 
of it — I'm ashamed to say there's a large bill 
owing 

Lady B. {sympalhisingly). My poor dear! 
That naturally prejudices Mr. Blagg's art 
criticism. 

Alma. Yes. He declined to serve us with 
any more meat, brought the matter before the 



4 THE TRIUMPH OF THE PHILISTINES act I 

town council, and now they have decided to 
call a public meeting and demand the abolition 
or removal of the studios. What can I do ? 

Lady B. Don't you think you had better 
give it up ? 

Alma. But my father ? It seems like de- 
serting him. I promised him I would continue 
his work. 

Lady B. Your late dear father and your 
late dear husband were two seraphs whom an 
ironic Providence allowed to flutter in a cold 
commercial world. But it's useless to affirm 
seraphic traditions in the face of unpaid 
butcher's bills. You've kept on the studios — 
how long ? 

Alma. Nearly two years. 

Lady B. Aren't you nearly tired of playing 
the seraph ? Because, my dear, you aren't a 
seraph by nature, you know. Once take you 
out of the seraph business, and you'll make a 
sensible woman. Better give it up ! 

Alma. To Mr. Jorgan ? Never ! I'll stay 
here and carry out my father's wishes while 
there's a crust to eat, and a single student left 
to copy a plaster cast of the antique ! 

Lady B. {shrugs her shoulders'). Well, I'm 
sure Sir Valentine will give you all the help in 
his power. By the way, what does Mrs. Mow- 
bray say to all this? 



act I THE TRIUMPH OF THE PHILISTINES 5 

Alma. Mrs. Mowbray left me this morning. 

Lady B. And you're here without a com- 
panion ! How foolish ! Don't you know what 
Market Pewbury will say? 

Alma. What does it matter what Market 
Pewbury says ? Besides, if I wished to do 
anything wrong, what possible hindrance is 
there in the presence of a middle-aged com- 
panion whom I pay ? 

Lady B. My dear, it's a very venerable and 
useful superstition that one woman is perfectly 
safe if another woman is pretending to look 
after her. And I won't have such a conve- 
nient fiction disturbed. You'll please tell your 
maid to pack up your things, and you'll come 
back with me in my carriage. Yes, I insist. 
{Goes up to picture again.') Didn't I catch sight 
of the original of that picture outside ? 

Alma. Yes, she's staying with us at the 
studios. 

Lady B. Who is she ? 

Alma. Mademoiselle Lebrune — Sally Le- 
brune she calls herself. 

Lady B. (anxiously). Sir Valentine went to 

look round the grounds, and I fancy (goes 

anxiously to door, l., and looks off. A loud burst 
of laughter from Sir Valentine and Sally 
Lebrune at door, l. Lady Beauboys calls out). 
Val ! Valentine ! 



6 THE TRIUMPH OF THE PHILISTINES act i 

Enter Sir Valentine Fellowes, about thirty, a 
thorough Englishman by birth and breeding, 
with slight traces of Continental manners and 
dress. He comes in, laughing. 

Lady B. Val, you musn't do that in England. 

Sir V. {stops suddenly'). Musn't I laugh in 
England ? 

{Bows to Alma, who bows in return.) 

Lady B. You were talking to somebody 
outside. 

Sir V. Mayn't I talk to a pretty girl in 
England ? 

Lady B. Not when anybody's looking. Let 
me present you. (Introduces) Sir Valentine 
Fellowes — Mrs. Suleny. 

Sir V. I'm delighted to meet you. Will 
you permit me? (Takes out memorandum-book.) 
I'm making a list of things I musn't do in Eng- 
land. I've already filled ten pages. 

(He is writing.) 

Alma. This is your first visit to Market 
Pewbury ? 

Sir V. Yes. There was a quarrel between 
my father and his brother. My people lived 
abroad, so, strange to say, I'd never seen 
Market Pewbury or the estates till I came to 
take possession the other day. 

Alma. Don't you find Market Pewbury very 
peculiar ? 



act I THE TRIUMPH OF THE PHILISTINES 7 

Sir V. Peculiar ? My late uncle seems to 
have welcomed into his bonnet every possible 
bee that buzzed round his benighted old head, 
and the result is that he has made Market Pew- 
bury a complete hornet's nest for his successor. 
I've already been pestered for subscriptions to 
seventeen anti-associations — anti-vaccination, 
anti-vivisection, anti-national-defence, anti- 
gambling, anti-drinking, anti-eating, anti- 
smoking, anti-this, anti-that, anti-the-other, 
anti - enjoy-yourself - or- let -anybody-else - enjoy- 
himself-in-any-possible-w T ay. Now I'm not an 
anti-anythingite. 

Alma. And all the Market Pewbury people 
are anti-everythingites. 

Sir V. Let every man do exactly what he 
pleases, I say, because, when he's doing what 
he pleases he's doing what Nature tells him to 
do, and that must be right. Why should I set 
myself up to be wiser than Nature ? 

Lady B. My dear Val, take the advice of a 
very wise old woman, and don't stroke Market 
Pewbury's wool the wrong way. 

Sir V. I don't want to stroke Market Pew- 
bury's wool at all, especially that fellow Jorgan's. 
What I object to is Market Pewbury stroking 
my wool. What d'ye think ? Two confounded 
old women — I beg pardon — two extraordinary 
creatures who had the best possible personal 



8 THE TRIUMPH OF THE PHILISTINES ACT I 

reasons for wishing all the other women in the 
world to conceal their charms, called on me 
yesterday and asked me to sign a paper pledg- 
ing myself to persuade all the ladies of my 
acquaintance not to wear evening dress. 

Lady B. What did you say, Val ? 

Sir V. I said that I considered ladies' even- 
ing dress was a very dangerous thing for a man 
of my temperament to meddle with. And when 
I declined to commit myself they said they 
must report me to Miss Angela Soar. Who is 
Miss Angela Soar ? 

Lady B. She's the president of the ladies' 
anti-evening-dress association. She lives in 
Market Pewbury. 

Sir V. In one of my houses? 

Lady B. Yes, she's a tenant of yours. 

Sir V. {with a little chuckle). That's a com- 
fort. As Miss Soar raises the height of ladies' 
evening bodices, so up goes Miss Soar's rent. 

Lady B. Oh no, it won't ! Your uncle gave 
her a very long lease of her house at a very 
nominal sum. 

Sir V. {blankly'). What did he do that for? 

Lady B. He said she was a pure-minded 
woman with spasms. 

Sir V. {depressed). It seems to me that all 
my tenants are pure-minded people with spasms. 

Lady B. Yes, I think that would be a very 



act I THE TRIUMPH OF THE PHILISTINES 9 

good description of Market Pewbury. And as 
you've got to live there for the best part of 
your life 

Sir V. {stops her). Oh no, my dear aunt. 
There's a Continental "Bradshaw" lying on my 
table at the Court. 

Lady B. But your duties lie here. (He 
shakes his head.) Yes, Val, we musn't forget 
that property has duties even if other people 
forget that it has rights. Take an example by 
me. I live at Market Pewbury six months of 
the year, in London three or four, and abroad 
two or three. And I fall in with whatever man- 
ners, morals, habits, and religion belong to the 
place I'm staying at. I'm the most terrible old 
hypocrite that ever lived ! But you can't im- 
agine what an easy time I have, and how much 
I'm loved and respected by everybody. Now, 
when I'm at Market Pewbury I think, "Here 
are all these excellent shop-keeping people 
content to lead what appears to me a very dull 
and stupid life all the week, and a much duller 
and more stupid life on Sunday, and these ex- 
cellent people do this in order that I may be 
supplied with groceries, meat, boots and shoes, 
dress, jewellery, and all the necessaries and 
luxuries of life. And if these excellent people 
enjoy being dull and stupid, why should I wan- 
tonly destroy their one pleasure in life ? Why 



10 THE TRIUMPH OF THE PHILISTINES act i 

should I shock them out of their wits by hinting 
that there are other joys than reading the " Sun- 
day at Home " and playing the harmonium ? 
No ! No ! I agree with them all. I subscribe 
to all their chapels — sparingly. I look in at all 
their mothers' meetings — for a minute or two. 
I deal at every shop. When I'm swindled 
moderately, I wink at it. When I'm swindled 
/V/moderately, I banter the excellent shopkeeper 
till he's ashamed of himself. And, above all, I 
avoid committing myself on any subject. And 
the upshot is, that though, as you say, Market 
Pewbury is a hornet's nest, /never get stung ! 

Enter Wheeler, r. 

Wheeler. Mr. Jorgan and the town coun- 
cil have arrived, ma'am. 

Alma. Show them in here. 

Lady B. No. Let me go and soothe Mr. 
Jorgan's savage breast before he looks at the 
Bacchante. Perhaps I might show him round 
the studios, and — {suddenly} there's nothing of 
a shocking nature in the studios, I hope ? 

Alma {considering). No, I think not. There's 
a Venus of Milo. 

Lady B. Away with her, the baggage ! 
Anything else ? 

Alma. And a cast of Hercules. 



act I THE TRIUMPH OF THE PHILISTINES 11 

Lady B. Cover him up, the rascal ! 

Alma (to Wheeler). Go to the studios and 
tell Mr. Hesselwood that Mr. Jorgan is going 
to look round, and ask him to see that noth- 
ing is lying about that could possibly shock 
Mr. Jorgan. {Exit Wheeler.) 

Sir V. (has strolled up to the picture). By 
Jove ! The little hussy who winked at me ! 

Lady B. Winked at you! Who did? 

Sir V. (pointing to the picture). She did 1 
The little hussy outside. 

Lady B. (alarmed, to Alma). My dear, who 
is this young person ? 

Alma. She is — a sort of artist's model. 

Lady B. And you have her staying in the 
studios ? Is that wise ? 

Alma. Willie said it would be such an ad- 
vantage to him to paint from the life, and I 
thought it would be better for her to stay here 
than to go into lodgings, as they are very par- 
ticular in Market Pewbury. 

Lady B. But if she winks at people 

Alma. I've not seen her winking at any- 
body. And if she does, it's better for her to 
wink at somebody here than to wink at some- 
body in Market Pewbury. (To Sir Valentine.) 
I'm afraid you found her very forward. 

Sir V. No. No. When modesty is quite 
out of the question with a woman, I think a 



12 THE TRIUMPH OF THE PHILISTINES act i 

becoming forwardness is the next best attrac- 
tion. (A laugh from Sally outside.} I say, 
aunt, I've quite made up my mind as to the 
propriety of this picture. So I needn't stop 
to discuss the matter with Mr. Jorgan. 

(Is going off at door, l. Lady Beauboys 
intercepts him.') 
Lady B. Once for all, will you learn the 
responsibility of your position ? You must not 
do these things in England. (Bringing him 
back.) What made this young person wink 
at you. 

Sir V. (slightly glancing at himself). Well, 
there may have been some good reason. 
Lady B. Did you encourage her ? 
Sir V. I didn't encourage her before she 
winked, but I did encourage her a little after. 

(Lady Beauboys shakes her head at him 
very sternly as at a bad child.) 

Re-enter Wheeler, r. 

Wheeler. Mr. Hesselwood have removed 
everything of a shocking nature from the 
studios, ma'am. 

Lady B. Then I'll begin Mr. Jorgan' s art- 
education. (To Sir Valentine.) You're to stay 
here, Val, and promise to help Mrs. Suleny out 
of her troubles. (Goes to the picture.) Hum ! 



act I THE TRIUMPH OF THE PHILISTINES 13 

I'm afraid Mr. Jorgan will draw the line at Bac- 
chantes. (Exit, l., followed by Wheeler.) 

Sir V. (to Alma). Now, Mrs. Suleny, tell 
me all about these troubles. 

Alma. You've heard of my father's scheme 
for the education of young artists. It was his 
idea that a man who is born to be an artist is 
fit for nothing else. 

Sir V. Quite true. And generally he's not 
fit even for that. 

Alma. So he let it be known amongst all 
the schoolmasters in the country that if they 
had any good-for-nothing boys who wouldn't 
or couldn't do their lessons, but who had a 
decided talent for drawing, that he would ex- 
amine their work, and if it showed any promise 
he'd give them a sound art-training here. 

Sir V. Your father must have been a per- 
fect godsend to the schoolmasters. How many 
boys did you get ? 

Alma. We've had about two thousand 
through our hands. 

Sir V. And what has been the result ? 

Alma. Some of them are doing well as 
drawing-masters and painters in a small way. 
And we've discovered one real genius. 

Sir V. The painter of this picture? 

(Pointing to picture,') 

Alma. Yes. My father always prophesied 



14 THE TRIUMPH OF THE PHILISTINES act i 

he would astonish the world one day. Don't 
you think he will ? 

Sir V. {goes to picture). I think he'll astonish 
Market Pew T bury ! What induced your father 
to choose this place for his studios ? 

Alma. The air is so bracing 

Sir V. It is. {With a little shiver.) Just 
a little too bracing for Bacchantes to frolic 
about in, eh ? 

Alma. And your late uncle gave him a long 
lease of this ramshackle old place at a very low 
rent ; so he rebuilt it, added all the studios, 
and made the boys thoroughly comfortable. 

Sir V. {looking round). Yes, I should think 
the boys have had a good time of it. Did 
your father find it pay? 

Alma. He never thought of money. He 
thought only of art. Don't you think his 
scheme was a good one ? 

Sir V. Excellent ! And it seems to have 
one great advantage over the general run of 
philanthropic schemes. 

Alma. What is that ? 

Sir V. Your father only lost his own money. 
Most philanthropists lose other people's. 

Alma {hurt). I can't get any one to believe 
in my father's work. 

Sir V. My dear Mrs. Suleny, I know very 
little about art, but so far as I can gather, it's 



act I THE TRIUMPH OF THE PHILISTINES 15 

something like religion, a vague, indefinite kind 
of thing, very much talked about, very little 
understood, and very rarely practised. How 
has your father's scheme helped English art? 

Alma. We've discovered a genius. 

Sir V. Don't you think he would have dis- 
covered himself ? It seems to me that the net 
result of your father's well-meant exertions is 
some few hundreds of good-for-nothing boys 
turned into indifferent painters and drawing- 
masters, and one genuine artist painting Bac- 
chantes for Mr. Jorgan and Market Pewbury 
to cavil at. 

Alma (discouraged). Oh, very well. Then 
I'd better give it up and let Mr. Jorgan come 
in and take everything. 

Sir V. What has Mr. Jorgan to do with it? 

Alma. I had to borrow money on the lease 
at the bank, and it seems Mr. Jorgan was the 
person who advanced it. And as I couldn't 
pay it back in time, I was obliged to make 
over the remainder of the lease to him. And 
this will be the end of my father's work ! 

(Breaking down, trying to stop her tears. ) 

Sir V. Mrs. Suleny, don't give way. 

Alma. I won't. I'm ashamed for you to 
see me crying. 

Sir V. I assure you I have the greatest 
respect for your father's work, and I shall con- 



16 THE TRIUMPH OF THE PHILISTINES act i 

sider it my duty to carry out his wishes in the 
best possible way. 

Alma. Do you really mean that ? You're 
only saying it because you're kind ! You're not 
doing it for the sake of art. 

Sir V. Oh yes, I am ! 

Alma. Are you sure ? 

Sir V. Well, chiefly for the sake of art, 
and a little — a very little, for the sake of a 
lady in distress. 

Alma. You won't think I've been crying 
and making a scene only to get your sympathy? 

Sir V. I'm sure this {looking at her tears) 
is Nature — not art. Now, about this Jor- 
gan 

Alma. You don't know how he has per- 
secuted my father and me since we've been at 
Market Pewbury. 

Sir V. Why do you let him come here 
to-day ? 

Alma. The town council sent me a notice 
that they wished to inspect the picture. How 
could I refuse without giving them a handle 
for slandering me all over the country ? I 
went to Lady Beauboys and asked her what 
I should do. She advised me to send them 
a very polite invitation to inspect it this after- 
noon, and she promised, like the dear kind 
soul that she is, to bring you over to meet 



act I THE TRIUMPH OF THE PHILISTINES 17 

them, so that you might throw all your in- 
fluence on my side. And you were good 
enough to come. 

Sir V. For the sake of art. 



Re-enter Lady Beauboys, r. 

We won't talk anymore about art. You hate 
this fellow Jorgan and all his crew! So do I. 
Very well. I'm fond of a fight. We'll fight 
him, you and I, and we'll see who's master in 
Market Pewbury, Jorgan or I. 

Lady B. He'll beat you, Val. You're 
fighting the strongest force in English life — 
that black, bitter, stubborn Puritanism that 
you'll never change, my dear boy, till you've 
changed the climate of the country and the 
very bone and marrow of our English race. 
Jorgan will beat you, Val. 

Sir V. We shall see. 

Lady B. (Jo Alma). My dear, Mr. Jorgan 
wants to inspect the boys' dormitories. 

Alma. What for ? 

Lady B. I don't know, my dear. He was 
just fishing out a Diana and her Nymphs in 
the studio, and I had the greatest difficulty in 
keeping him from inspecting them., I'm sure 
it will do him more good to inspect a nice 
plain whitewashed wall, and he'll understand 



18 THE TRIUMPH OF THE PHILISTINES act r 

it so much better. Come, my dear, humour 
him. 

Alma. What will be the next indignity 
that I shall have to endure from Mr. Jorgan ? 
The boys' dormitories ! 

{Exit Alma, r. Sir Val is strolling up 
to the picture. Lady Beauboys pulls 
the string and draws the cover over it. 
Exit Lady Beauboys after Alma, r. 
Sir Valentine strolls up to the pic- 
ture, lifts up the holland cover with 
his hand without pulling the string. 
Sally Lebrune creeps on very slowly, 
L. She is an impish, black-eyed, 
French girl, dark co?nplexion, red lips, 
engaging impudent manners, odd little 
sly French tricks of gesture and gri- 
mace, large gold earrings, and bright 
tawdry coquettish dress. She creeps 
very stealthily and slowly on tiptoe be- 
hind Sir Valentine, comes up behind 
him, bursts into a loud fit of laughter 
behind his ears. He starts and looks 
at her.) 
Sally. That is me. How you like me ? 

(Pointing to picture. ) 
Sir V. {approaching her). You monkey! 
How dare you ! 

Sally. I dare do anything in this blessed 



act I THE TRIUMPH OF THE PHILISTINES 19 

mortal world. I dare make ugly faces at you. 
{Makes an ugly face at Aim.) I dare make 
pretty faces at you. {Makes a pretty face at 
him.) I dare do that at you! {Suddenly put- 
ting her thumb to her nose for a moment. ) I dare 
do that to all this mortal blessed world. 

{Putting her thumb to her nose and 
swinging round on her heel.) 

Sir V. You daren't do that to Market 
Pewbury ! 

Sally {snaps her fingers). That at Market 
Pewbury! {Puts out her tongue.) That at 
Market Pewbury ! What you think of Market 
Pewbury ? 

Sir V. What do you ? 

Sally. I think it is full of dam nonsense ! 

Sir V. Hush ! You musn't say that ! 

Sally. When something is full of dam non- 
sense will I not say it is full of dam nonsense ? 

Sir V. Not in England. 

Sally. What will I say then ? 

Sir V. You might say it's full of D. N. 

Sally. D. N. ? Ver' well. I will say to 
Market Pewbury, "Market Pewbury, you are 
full of D. N. till you bust up yourself." 

Sir V. What do you think Market Pew- 
bury will say to you, and — this? 

{Pointing to picture.) 

Sally. What you think of that picture? 



20 THE TRIUMPH OF THE PHILISTINES act I 

Sir V. Exquisite — as exquisite as you are. 

Sally. I will tell you why. The silly boy 
who painted that, he is just two millions of 
foots deep in love with me. He is funny, my 
poor little fool. I twist him round, round, 
round {gesture with her fingers'), and when I 
wink at him like that {winking very wickedly at 
Sir Valentine), it send him cracked out at 
his senses. 

Sir V. {looks at her). Yes, I should think 
it would. {Suddenly struck with an idea.) I 
say — would you 

Sally. Would I — yes, I think I would. 
What would I ? 

Sir V. Mr. Jorgan is coming to look at 
your picture. While he is looking at it, do 
you think you could manage to wink at him 
like that ? 

Sally. Like that ? ( Winks at him.) 

Sir V. Yes. 

Sally. How much will you give me ? 

Sir V. {taken aback). Money? 

Sally. Yes, I love money so much, and I 
never have not a blessed mortal sixpence. 
You are ver' rich, yes? 

Sir. V. Hum 

Sally. Oh, I could love to have millions 
and millions and millions of pounds. I could 
spend it all. Ah, give me some money ! And 



ACT I THE TRIUMPH OF THE PHILISTINES 21 

I will give Mr. Jorgan some nice winks. Ah ! 
You shall see ! He will be funny to look at 
when I wink at him. Give me some money ! 
Sir V. {taking out purse). Well, I don't 
mind a five-pound note to see the perfor- 
mance. 

Sally. Oh, do give me ten ! Yes ! {Snatch- 
ing the purse from his hand, running away with 

it.) I will have ten 

Sir V. (running after her). Give me my 
purse, you little devil ! 

{Catches her from the back round the 
shoulders, struggling with her to get 
the purse. Jorgan has entered quickly 
behind Sir Valentine at the door, 
r., which has been left open by Lady 
Beauboys and Alma. He is followed 
by Mr. Skewett. Jorgan is a mid- 
dle-aged man of the better trades?na7i 
class i?i a provincial town; thick-set 
figure; drab complexion with black 
speckles all over it ; stubby, reddish- 
brown hair, and a line of stubby, red- 
dish whiskers under chin ; a coarsely 
humorous expression of face, loud, vul- 
gar manners, and loud, vulgar laugh. 
Skewett is a little sniffing, rasping 
man with small, spare, feeble, bent 
figure; mean, irregular features, 



22 THE TRIUMPH OF THE PHILISTINES act i 

badly arra?iged round a formidable, 
bent, broke?i red beak of a ?iose ; thin, 
straggling gray hair, and long strag- 
gling, gray, mutton-chop whiskers; 
constantly bli7iking little eyes, and 
very assertive, energetic manners; a 
constant air of objecting to every- 
thing and everybody on principle. 
The struggle between Sally and Sir 
Valentine goes on, watched by J or- 
gan and Skewett. ) 

Sally (protesting). No, no, no 

Sir V. Give me my purse. 
Sally. Will it be ten pounds, then ? 
Sir V. Oh, very well, say ten pounds, and 
be quick about it. 

J or. (coming a little forward). Ten pounds, 
Sir Valentine ! Did you hear that, Mr. Ske- 
wett? 

Skew, (m a quick, rasping, nervous, quarrels 
some tone). Yes, I did, and it requires ex- 
planation. 

( With a ferocious nod and zuink at Sir 
Valentine. ) 

Enter Lady Beauboys and Alma, followed by 
Mr. Wapes, Mr. Blagg, Mr. Corby, Mr. 
Modlin, and Mr. Pote. 



act I THE TRIUMPH OF THE PHILISTINES 23 

Mr. Wapes is a large, flabby, sleepy man, 
with a rolling walk, bandy legs, no neck 
to speak of; a body and head all in one 
piece, shaped like a pyramid, his bald head 
forming the polished apex, and his large, 
flabby cheeks fitting loosely over his shoul- 
ders ; a very weak, wheezy, crackling voice. 

Mr. Blagg is a stubborn, earnest man; black, 
shiny clothes ; a large, clean-shaven face, 
and coal-black hair ; very solemn manner ; 
twangy, ranting utterance, acco??ipanied by 
one stereotyped emphatic gesture of a local 
preacher, his fists closed, and his arms 
moving mechanically up and down, his 
body swaying to and fro meanwhile. 

Mr. Corby is a little, merry- eyed, apple-faced 
man, with ginger whiskers and bright red 
hair; a little snub ?iose ; good-humoured 
features, expressing great general satisfac- 
tion with himself and the universe for no 
particular reason ; a short, round little 
figure; a disposition to giggle and snigger 
all through the interview. 

Mr. Modlin is a very long, loosely-built man, 
with pale complexion, colourless lips, colour- 
less drab hair ; vague, irregular features, 
with entire absence of expression ; keeps his 
hands folded one over the other at full 
length in front of him, and his eyes fixed 



24 THE TRIUMPH OF THE PHILISTINES act r 

in a corner of the ceiling with utter absence 
of expression. 
Mr. Pote is a meek, mangy, smirking little 
man, with the most offensive amiability of 
manner, and a habit of affectionately strok- 
ing the person he is talking to; weak, 
watery eyes ; hair carefully po?natumed into 
a triangle on the top of his forehead; walks 
on tiptoe, bobbing up and down as if he 
were afraid of giving offense by too great 
self-assertion in walking in the ordinary 
way. They follow Lady Beauboys one 
at a time, take up different positions and 
look round in a generally embarrassed and 
ill- at -ease manner. 

Lady B. Now before we look at the pic- 
ture, I'm sure, Sir Valentine, you will be 
delighted to make the acquaintance of some 
of your neighbors at Market Pewbury. {In- 
troducing.) Mr. Wapes. {Bow between Wapes 
and Sir Valentine.) Mr. Modlin, Mr. Corby, 
Mr. Pote, Mr. Blagg, Mr. Skewett. (As she 
introduces them, each of them gives a bow in his 
peculiar manner ■.) I think you already know 
Mr. Jorgan. 

Jor. {with a laugh). No, I don't think he 
does. I take a great deal of knowing, and 
the more some people know me, the less they 



ACT I THE TRIUMPH OF THE PHILISTINES 25 

like me. {Rubbing his hands cordially.} Ha ! 
Ha ! Curious taste on their part, isn't it ? 

Sir V. How curious? 

(Lady Beauboys makes signs to Sir 
Valentine.) 

Jor. Well, Sir Valentine, perhaps the more 
you know of me the less you'll like me ! 

Sir V. (amused).. I think it not improbable. 
But I don't intend to know you very well. 

Jor. (cordially). Oh yes, you will, Sir Val- 
entine, before you're very much older. (Glanc- 
ing round for approval at the others. Skewett 
nods a?id blinks viciously.) Now, as you're the 
chief owner of property in Market Pewbury, we 
expect you to set us a pattern. 

Sir V. A pattern of what ? 

Jor. A pattern of moral respectability. 

Sir V. Pray don't ? Surely property has 
burdens enough without having to pretend to be 
better than all it's neighbours. Oh no, Mr. Jor- 
gan ! Take it out of me in rates and taxes ! 

J or. (rubbing his hands cordially, and glancing 
round to his comrades for approval). Well, I 
daresay you'll find us equal to that! But first 
of all, I want to ask you in the nicest and 
politest way possible, what is the benevolent 
institution which you were contributing to when 
I came into the room? 

(Skewett pushes fortvard and nods and 



26 THE TRIUMPH OF THE PHILISTINES act i 

blinks venomously at Sir Valentine all 
through the interview. He gives a nod 
of approval every time anything is said 
of which he approves. ) 
Sir V. Benevolent institution ? 
Jor. You were about to subscribe ten 
pounds to this female. 

(Turns suddenly round on Sally.) 
Sally {shrieks'). Female ! Ha ! What is 
female ? He call me female ! 

Jor. {sternly to Sally). Female! {To Sir 
Valentine.) It must have been for some very 
benevolent purpose that you gave your purse to 
this (Sally looks very fiercely at hint) — young 
person. (Sally looks a little mollified.') She has 
it in her hand now ! 

{Pointing at Sir Valentine's purse in 
Sally's hand. Lady Beauboys and 
Alma show surprise and vexation.) 
Sir V. {to Sally). Will you give me my 
purse, please ? 

Sally. Ah, but you promised 

Sir V. My purse, please ! {Very sharply.) 
Sally. Ver' well. ( Giving him the purse. ) 
Ten pounds if you please. 

{Holds out her hand. Sir Valentine 
takes the purse.) 
Sir V. Thank you. {Opens it, takes out a 
bundle of notes, takes two of them, puts the rest 



act I THE TRIUMPH OF THE PHILISTINES 27 

back in the purse, puts his purse in his pocket, 
turns to Jorgan. ) You wish to know why I am 
giving ten pounds to this young lady ? 

Jor. You needn't inform against yourself 
unless you like. 

Sir V. I won't. It is for a very good pur- 
pose which we will keep to ourselves. 

{Gives two notes to Sally.) 
Sally. Ah ! Thank you. 

{Slightly winks at him. Surprise and great 
consternation on the part of all as- 
sembled. Group breaks tip. Lady 
Beauboys shakes her head, and shows 
surprise and vexation.} 
Sir V. And now, gentlemen, if Mrs. Suleny 
will allow us, we will take your opinion on this 
work of art. 

Alma. Sir Valentine, oughtn't the artist to 
be present while his picture is criticised ? 

Sir V. Certainly. (Alma rings bell.} It 
cannot fail to be instructive to him to hear 
these gentlemen's views. 

(Sally gets up to Jorgan, and, unnoticed 
by all the others, winks very slyly and 
wickedly at hi?n. He shows great sur- 
prise, horror, and indignation, and 
moves away from her for a mometit. 
She follows him, does this all through 
the interview.} 



28 THE TRIUMPH OF THE PHILISTINES act I 

Enter Wheeler, r. 

Wheeler. Miss Soar is outside, ma'am, and 
says she must come in. 

Alma {resignedly shrugs her shoulders}. By all 
means. Show Miss Soar in, and ask Mr. Hes- 
selwood if he will kindly come here. 

(Wheeler stands back a step to let Miss 
Soar pass him. Announces "Miss 
Soar.' 1 ) 

Enter, r., Miss Soar, a maiden lady of about 
\ thirty-five, very nervous and delicate-looking, in 
a very plain dress, with a very high collar all 
round the neck, a pale, sharp face, features 
drawn into an expression of pained earnestness. 
She enters hurriedly, panting, one hand on chest, 
the other carrying a bundle of pamphlets. 

Miss Soar {excitedly}. Am I in time ? {Gives 
a pamphlet to Lady Beauboys.) Am I in time ? 
{Gives a pamphlet to Alma, goes up to Sir Val- 
entine.) Am I in time to make my voice 
heard ? 

Sir V. {soothingly). My dear, lady I believe 
so. Take a seat. {Gets her seated. She sits 
down out of breath.) On what particular subject 
would you like to address us ? 

Miss Soar. There is but one subject that 
concerns the women of England to-day. 



act I THE TRIUMPH OF THE PHILISTINES 29 

Sir V. Dress, I should say ? 

Miss Soar. Yes. Read that. {Forcing a 
pamphlet into his hand. ) I cannot tell you how it 
shocks me to discuss these subjects with those 
of the opposite sex. 

Sir V. Very well, my dear lady, don't do it, 
don't do it ! For I assure you it shocks us quite 
as much. 

Miss Soar {hand on chest, breathing painfully}. 
And I suffer constantly from spasms 

Sir V. Very well, my dear lady, stop at 
home and attend to them. 

Miss Soar. How can I ? How can I rest, 
how can any modest woman rest, how can 
any modest man rest, while thousands of our 
countrywomen are wearing evening dresses 
every evening. 

Sir V. Well, they must wear something. 
What do you propose for evening wear ? 

Miss Soar. A simple gown, fastened tightly 
round the neck. 

Sir V. Something like the one you are 
wearing now ? 

Miss Soar. Yes. Excuse me {hand on chest), 
I have a slight spasm. 

Sir V. {sympathetically). Perhaps a little 
loosening of the neckband 

Miss Soar {horrified). Oh no, please ! I'm 
better now. Promise me you'll read that 



30 THE TRIUMPH OF THE PHILISTINES ACT 

{alluding to pamphlet in his hand), and never 
rest till our legislature has made it impossible 
for English women to insult themselves by 
wearing low-necked dresses. 

Sir V. What, all English women ? 

Miss Soar. Yes, all. 

Sir V. No! No! But I don't mind a 
compromise. Ladies over forty to submit to 
your regulations. Ladies under forty to do 
as they please. 

(Sally again comes up to J organ, and, 
unnoticed by the others, slyly winks at 
him. He looks at her again with some- 
what less indignation than before, and 
moves away.) 

J organ {moving away from Sally). Come ! 
Isn't it time we had a peep at this classical 
masterpiece ? 

Miss Soar. Oh, Mr. Jorgan, if there is 
anything in it that would shock any modest 
woman, or any modest man, why look at 
it at all? 

Skew, {blinking viciously). Just so ! Burn it, 
I say ! Burn it, and have done with the 
iniquity. 

Wapes {in a slow, wheezy voice). No, I 
shouldn't say burn it. I should say lock it 
up somewhere where it can't be seen, eh, 
Mr. Modlin? 



act I THE TRIUMPH OF THE PHILISTINES 31 

Mod. (vaguely looking at the ceiling). Yes, in 
a damp room. 

Alma. Don't you think you may as well 
look at the picture before you condemn it ? 

Miss Soar. Oh, do not let us run any risk. 
Oh, how can people be so wicked ? I'm sure, 
Mr. Pote, you agree with me. 

Pote (meekly, bobbing up and down). Yes, 
let us ask ourselves what will be conducive to 
the interests of morality. I always do all I 
can to help on morality. That's my rule in 
life, and I do wish everybody would follow T it. 

Lady B. Oh, Mr. Pote, this is a very moral 
picture, quite calculated to promote the best 
and soundest morality amongst the masses, I 
assure you. And when the artist comes he 
will be able to show you its beauties. 

Blagg (in a measured, solemn twang, his body 
swaying to and fro, his arms repeating his one 
mechanical gesture). We ain't here to inquire 
into its beauties, Lady Beauboys. (Skewett 
nods and blinks). We are here to ask our con- 
sciences this solemn question, is it a elevating 
exhibition for my boy Thomas when he brings 
the jints of a morning ? Likewise what will 
be the momentious effects in after life on the 
grocer's boy if he happens to catch sight 
of it ? Likewise the baker ? Likewise the 
greengrocer ? 



32 THE TRIUMPH OF THE PHILISTINES act i 

Sir V. And the milkman, Mr. Blagg. Don't 
forget that the milkman has morals that re- 
quire constantly looking after. 

Blagg {very aggressively). Likewise the 
milkman. (Skewett nods and blinks*} 

Sir V. And your boy Thomas, where is he ? 
Blagg {same aggressive tone). My boy 
Thomas is employed in the minding of my 
horse and gig in the yard at the back of 
this house. 

Sir V. We'll have him in. Mrs. Suleny, 
the butcher boy's morals are at stake. He 
ought to be here ! 

Alma {ringing the bell). Oh, by all means 
bring in the butcher boy ! 

(Sally has again sauntered after J organ. 
She passes by him, nudges him with 
her elbow as if by accident, winks at 
him unnoticed by the others. J organ 
again starts, shows less surprise, less 
horror, less indignation, cannot under- 
stand it, glances at her questioningly 
for an expla?iation ; she again winks, 
he pulls himself together, looks at 
her very sternly. Meantime Wheeler 
enters, r. Alma speaks to him in 
dumb show. ) 
Alma {to Wheeler, at conclusion of Jor- 
gan's business with Sally). Yes, bring him in. 






act I THE TRIUMPH OF THE PHILISTINES 33 

{Looking off.) And here comes the artist 
himself. 



Enter, r., Willie Hesselwood, a bright, eager 
young fellow of twenty-five. 

Alma (introducing) . Sir Valentine, may I 
present Mr. Willie Hesselwood? (They bow.) 
Willie, these gentlemen are now ready to 
inspect your picture. 

Willie {dubiously). Delighted, but (looking 
at them) I'm sure they won't understand it. 

Lady B. Oh, I'm sure they will — when 
you've explained it to them. 

Miss Soar (suddenly). Oh, it is so wrong 
to be present. I feel I cannot stay ! 

Sir V. Very well, my dear lady, don't ! 
Run away ! Run away ! 

Miss Soar. I must— and 

(Puts her hand suddenly on chest. Pote 
comes up to her sy?npathisingly. ) 
Pote. Spasms again ? (Gives her his arm, 
leads her out.) Gentlemen, if you please. Miss 
Soar has spasms ! If you please ! (In a 
confidential aside to the group as he passes.) 
Spasms ! Spasms ! 

(Takes her off very officiously and ten- 
derly, l., walking on tiptoe up and 
down. ) 



34 THE TRIUMPH OF THE PHILISTINES act i 

Enter Wheeler, r. 
Wheeler {announcing). Thomas Blagg. 

Thomas Blagg, a boy of about fourteen, enters 
very uncomfortably, self - conscious, glancing 
round nervously, evidently very much afraid 
of his father ; he is approaching the centre 
of stage. 

Blagg {sternly). Thomas, you stand where 
you be, and you behave yourself. 

{Stands Thomas face to audience with his 
back to easel, where he remains all 
the while.) 
Thomas. Yes, father. 

{Cap in hand, stands at attention, meets 
his father's eye, shifts about uncom- 
fortably, all through the interview.) 
Sir V. {solemly). One word, Thomas Blagg, 
you have seen the picture on that frame ? 

(Thomas glances very nervously at his 
father, looks very uncomfortable.) 
Blagg {sternly). Can't you speak? 
Thomas. Yes, father. 

Sir V. And when you saw the picture, 
Thomas, what did you say ? 

Thomas. What be I to say, father ? 
Blagg. Speak the truth for once, if you 
can. 



act I THE TRIUMPH OF THE PHILISTINES 35 

Thomas. I says 



{Pause — looks nervously at his father .) 

Blagg. The whole truth and nothing but 
the truth, you young liar. Now? What did 
you say ? 

Thomas {nervously). I says — I says — 
I says — "Oh, crikey and Jeeroosalem, ain't 
she a jolly stunner ! " - 

(Blagg threatens Thomas in dumb show. 
Sally has again followed J organ, 
who turns round to Willie.) 

J or. {impatiently). Now, Mr. Artist, will you 
show us your picture ? What do you call it ? 

Willie. A Bacchante. 

Jor. A Bacchante ? What's that ? A sort 
of female Bacchus, eh ? 

Sally. Female ! Ha ! 

Willie. Well, not precisely — but perhaps 
that's near enough. 

Jor. Oh no, it isn't. Mr. Skewett, you're 
an apostle of temperance 

Skew, {blinking). Yes. And I want a plain 
answer to a plain question. Is this picture a 
female Bacchus, or is she not ? 

Willie {drawing the cord, and flinging off the 
cover). Gentlemen, she is just whatever you 
please ! Say what you choose of her. She'll 
make no reply. 

{Laughs at them, goes upstairs at back 



36 



THE TRIUMPH OF THE PHILISTINES act i 



and sits up there apart the rest of the 
interview. J organ is standing back, he 
presses a step forward, looks at the pic- 
ture, and then looks at Sally surprised. ) 
Sally (to Jorgan). That is me! 

(Goes and stands apart from him. Jor- 
gan follows her zvith his eyes furtively 
every now and then. The others come 
up to the picture in a group, look at 
it, look at each other. Corby has a 
fit of involuntary tittering which he 
checks under Blagg's solemn frown, 
looks in his hat. The others look per- 
plexed, uncomfortable, shocked, stand 
round and stare at each other.} 
Well, gentlemen? 

Outrageous ! Outrageous and au- 
call it ! 
Ain't fit to be seen by respectable 



Sir V. 

Wapes 
dacious I 

Mod. 
people. 

Skew. 



Burn it ! 



Blagg. 



Burn it! 

(Blinking energetically. ) 
Are we living in heathen Greece 
and Rome, or is this Market Pewbury? (Shakes 
his fist threateningly at Thomas.) Oh, Thomas ! 

(Thomas begins to cry. ) 
Wapes. Shocking to a degree ! 
Sir V. Shocking to what degree, Mr. 
Wapes ? 



act I THE TRIUMPH OF THE PHILISTINES 37 

Wapes. Shocking to that degree as Mrs. 
Wapes wouldn't have it in our drawing-room. 

Sir V. Ah. you think Mrs. Wapes would 
object. {Turning to Modlin. ) And what 
would Mrs. Modlin say ? 

Mod. Mrs. Modlin would blush to have 
an opinion on such a matter. 

Sir V. (turning to Blagg). And Mrs. 
Blagg? 

Blagg {very aggressively}. Mrs. Blagg is my 
property I believe, not yours ! 

Sir V. Is Mrs. Blagg the stout lady in the 
green dress whom I saw at the shop door ? 

Blagg. She is. 

Sir V. {emphatically). She is your property, 
not mine ! And may I ask what Mrs. Skewett 
would say ? {Indicating picture. ) 

Skew. Before Mrs. Skewett went to glory 
she had precisely the same opinions on every 
subject that I had. I took care of Mrs. 
Skewett's opinions. 

Sir V. {aside to Alma). She'd change them 
the first chance she'd got. 

Re-enter Pote, l., with his tiptoe walk. 

Pote. I've attended to Miss Soar's spasms, 
and now perhaps I may be permitted to see 
the picture. 



38 THE TRIUMPH OF THE PHILISTINES act i 

Sir V. Certainly. This way, Mr. Pote. 
(Pote goes up to the picture.} 

Pote. Oh dear ! Oh dear ! It cannot be 
considered as conducive to the interests of 
morality, can it ? 

Sir V. {to Corby). And you, sir, what do 
you think of the picture ? 

Corby {nervously, with an inclination to titter). 
Well, I was just saying to Mr. Wapes that I 
really don't see as she's so very bad — not if 
she had a little more on round her neck — 
and so forth. 

Lady B. Well, that can be easily managed. 
Mr. Hesselwood, can't you put a few more 
frills on your Bacchante ? Just a little lace, 
or something, eh ? 

Willie. I won't change a rag, or a ribbon, 
or a button of her to save an empire from per- 
dition ! She's as perfect as I can make her. 

Sir V. Now, gentlemen, you've all seen 
the picture, have you made up your minds ? 

Skew. Yes, we have made up our minds. 

Blagg. Likewise the minds of our wives, 
likewise our daughters, likewise our sons. 

{Threatens Thomas very severely.) 

Sir V. I can quite understand that the 
ladies of Market Pewbury may for personal 
reasons object to any outside standard of femi- 
nine perfection being placed before the eyes of 



act I THE TRIUMPH OF THE PHILISTINES 39 

their husbands. I can also understand, judg- 
ing from Mr. Blagg's proud assertion of his 
possession of Mrs. Blagg, that Market Pew- 
bury has not quite the same standard of femi- 
nine perfection as heathen Greece and Rome. 
It seems to me that the matter is capable of 
being settled in a way that will be very agree- 
able to all concerned. Those of you who are 
shocked and find their feelings and their mor- 
als hurt by looking at the picture, please to 
hold up your hands. 

(Blagg, Modlin, Skewett, Pote, 

Wapes put up their hands decidedly. 

Corby puts his tip a little way very 

undecidedly. J organ is about to put 

his up, Sally passes by him and jogs 

his elbow. He puts up both hands 

instantly.') 

Sir V. Please to keep your hands up. 

Now! You're all quite sure that you're 

shocked by this picture? 

{Chorus of "Yes, yes, yes.") 
Sir V. It rouses evil thoughts in your 
breasts ? 

{Chorus of "Yes, yes, yes," Jorgan look- 
ing at Sally.) 
Sir V. Very well. Then if I were you I 
wouldn't look at it. On the other hand, those 
of us whose morals and feelings are more 



40 THE TRIUMPH OF THE PHILISTINES act i 

robust, ought, I think, to be allowed to look 
at it as much and as often as we please. 

{Going up to it, looking at it with evident 
admiration. ) 

Jor. Oh no, Sir Valentine, we aren't going 
to allow you privileges that we deny to our- 
selves. 

Sir V. You're going to look after my mor- 
als as well as your own ? 

Jor. Well, we fancy that your morals want 
a lot of looking after. Of course, we shall be 
delighted to find that we're mistaken. Gentle- 
men, I shall call a public meeting of our fellow- 
townsmen, and move that this picture is harm- 
ful to the morals of Market Pewbury, and I 
shall demand its instant destruction. 

Sir V. Mr. Hesselwood, is this picture 
for sale ? 

Willie. If any one will buy it, and will let 
me paint another like it, or {glancing at Sally) 
a lovelier one, if I can. 

Sir V. What's the price ? 

Willie. Well, I don't know. Two hundred 
pounds ? A hundred ? 

Sir V. I'll post you a cheque for two hun- 
dred pounds to-night, and I'll send for it as 
soon as I get back to the Court. 

Jor. You've bought the picture? 

Sir. V. I've bought the picture. 



act l THE TRIUMPH OF THE PHILISTINES 41 

Jor. I shall be obliged to mention that at 
the public meeting. And also to demand its 
instant removal, and the instant removal of 
this 

Sally. Ah, I will not be a female. If you 
call me that, I will call you — I will call you — 
a pretty, pretty gentleman ! Ha ! 

Jor. And now, gentlemen, as our business 
is done, suppose we indulge in a little pleas- 
ure. Come and take a stroll round with me, 
gentlemen, and I'll show you the alterations 
that I'm going to make. 

Alma (surprised}. Alterations, Mr. Jorgan ? 

Jor. Yes, Mrs. Suleny. You don't forget 
that I've got the remainder of your lease. I 
propose to take it up at Michaelmas, or sooner 
if quite convenient. 

Alma. But surely you cannot carry on the 
studios. 

Jor. No. Nothing so useless. 

Alma. May I ask what you are going to 
do with it ? 

Jor. I'm going to establish our great 
Boot and Shoe and Closed Uppers Orphan- 
age Asylum here. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, 
if you'll do me the honour to pay me a visit 
here six months from to-day, instead of a lot 
of lazy artists and Bacchantes philandering 
about the premises with next to nothing on, 



42 THE TRIUMPH OF THE PHILISTINES act i 

I'll show you four hundred and fifty happy 
innocent little boot and shoe darlings, eating 
their bread and treacle, and drinking their 
milk and water, all of them well-washed, w r ell- 
combed, and with manners and morals that are 
a credit to our profession. Good-day, Mrs. 
Suleny. Good-day, Sir Valentine. Come 
along, gentlemen, I'll show you the play- 
ground I've marked out for our little dears ! 
{Exeunt Corby, Skewett, Modlin, 
Wapes, l.) 
Sally. Oh, the little dears ! I will see 
that playground ! 

{Exit J organ. Sally winks at him as 
he goes off and follows him. ) 
Blagg. Thomas, my son, you march 
straight home and walk up stairs, Thomas, 
to your room, and you take off your coat and 
trousers, Thomas, and you wait there till I 
come, Thomas, my son. 

Thomas (in mortal fright}. Oh, crikey and 
Jeeroosalem ! 

(Bolts off, followed by Blagg. Pote ap- 
proaches Sir Valentine meekly and 
humbly, on tiptoe.} 
Sir V. Well ? 

Pote. I'm the treasurer of our Boot and 
Shoe Orphanage. 
Sir V. Indeed ! 



act I THE TRIUMPH OF THE PHILISTINES 43 

Pote. I trust you'll support us. {Offers 
his hand. Sir Valentine very reluctantly gives 
his.) I shall call on you for a subscription. 
(Shakes hands very cordially, goes to door, and 
turns round with a sweet smile.) I shall call 
on you for a subscription, Sir Valentine. 

(Exit Pote, l. Sir Valentine, speech- 
less for a moment, shakes Pote's grasp 
off his hand, stares helplessly at Alma. 
Willie comes doivnstairs, and looks at 
the picture. Sir Valentine looks after 
Pote very savagely. ) 
Sir V. If that man comes after me for a 

subscription 

Lady B. You'll give him one. How could 
you be so mad as to give money to that girl 
in front of all those people ? 

Sir V. Because I'd promised it to her. 
Lady B. Then make such donations in 
private. Do you know what will be said of 
you ? 

Sir V. I don't know, and I don't care. 
But {looking after Pote) if that man calls on 
me for a subscription, I'll blow up his four 
hundred and fifty orphans, bread and treacle 
and all ! 

Lady B. (shakes her head at him). Come 
and see me to my carriage. (To Alma.) 
You're to come back with me, my dear. 



44 THE TRIUMPH OF THE PHILISTINES act i 

Alma. Oh, but I've a lot of things to do. 
It will take me quite an hour. 

Lady B. Then I'll send the carriage for 
you. At any rate, Til try and save your repu- 
tation. {Bows to Willie.) Come, Val. 

{Exeunt Lady Beauboys and Sir Val- 
entine, l.) 

Alma {looking round ) . A boot and shoe 
asylum ! My poor father ! Willie, did you 
hear ? 

Willie. Did you hear ? My picture sold ! 
Two hundred pounds ! I can't bear to let her 

go- 

Alma (very tenderly). Willie, can't you cure 

yourself of this foolish fancy ? 

Willie. No — at least I shan't try. 

Alma. You must see that she is 

Willie. Speak it out 1 

Alma. That she is utterly unworthy of 
you. 

Willie. Yes, I see that, and I don't see 
that. I know it, and yet it's a lie. Look at 
her! 

Alma. How can you love a woman who is 
— not good ? 

Willie. What's that got to do with it ? 
She can make me paint. Art's only hypoc- 
risy, you know. 

Alma. Willie, that's not so ! 






act I THE TRIUMPH OF THE PHILISTINES 45 

Willie. Yes, I tell you. Art's hypocrisy. 
So's love ! So's religion ! When I was a 
child I was always pretending. Now I'm 
grown up I'm pretending still. If I were to 
say to myself, "This girl is, as I feel, as I 
know she is, light, wicked, heartless ! She's 
all I daren't think of — she'd sell the immortal 
soul she has not got for a brooch or a bon- 
net," if I -were once to say that of her, my 
hand would drop and I couldn't paint a 
stroke. So I say to myself, "She's divine, 
and I'm her mate ! She's one half the uni- 
verse and I'm the other ! She's the dream of 
all the ages come true for one moment for me 
to paint!" When I stuff myself with such 
taradiddles — and believe them — it makes me 
worthy forty Titians, forty Raphaels ! She's 
Helen, Cleopatra, Rosalind, Juliet, anything, and 
I'm her master ! So I'll keep on loving her ! 

Alma. I wish that she had never come, 
Willie. 

Willie. When she goes, the world will 
be nothing but a boot and shoe asylum for 
orphans like me. 

Sally enters l. Alma goes to door, r., looks 
at Willie with great sympathy and interest. 
Exit Alma, r. 

Sally. Ah, my poor little fool ! Some day 



46 THE TRIUMPH OF THE PHILISTINES act i 

when I am ver' rich you shall paint me once 
more. 

Willie. You'll be rich some day ? 

Sally. Yes. A great milord is coming to 
fall in love with me. He will buy me dresses 
and pretty things just what I ask him. I shall 
say, "I love that villa." He will say, "It is 
nothing, I will buy it for you." "I love that 
ring." He will say, "It is yours." "I love 
those bracelets, those diamonds, those pearls," 
and he will chuck them all over me. I will 
be one great big plaster of diamonds all over 
here. {Putting her hand over her chest.*) Ah ! 
Ah! he is coming! I can see him {putting 
up her two hands to her eyes, using them like 
spy-glasses and looking through them), that great 
silly milord. 

(Willie looks at her, seizes her 
hands. ) 

Sally {squeals). Ah ! Let me go ! Let 
me go ! 

Willie. I hate you ! I hate you ! 

{Releases her; rushes to door, R.) 

Sally. Ah, you are a fool! 

Willie. Yes, I am. {Rushes off, r. ) 

Sally {goes to door, r. ; beckons, calls off). 
Pretty, pretty gentleman! {Beckoning.) Come 
here, pretty, pretty gentleman ! 



act I THE TRIUMPH OF THE PHILISTINES 47 

Enter J organ, l., as if hypnotized, his whole- 
manner and bearing as if he were doing it 
most unwillingly, 

Sally. Pretty-pretty, you are rich, are you 
not ? You like my picture ? 

J OR. (boorishly}. No. 

Sally. That is one great big lie. You 
know you love me ver' ver' much. But you 
do not love me in this dress. Ah, you are 
right, you do not know how lovely I will be 
in a robe of blue velvet with beautiful gold 
lace. 

Jor. No. 

Sally. Oh yes. Blue velvet — oh, I will 
be charming ! And in red satin ! What you 
think, beautiful red satin covered all over 
with shiny brights, like my eyes. Look at 
my eyes. 

Jor. No. (Same tone.} 

Sally. Oh yes. And it will cost nothing 
but forty pounds. 

Jor. Forty pounds ! Don't you come any 
of your games on me ! (She winks at him.} 
Forty pounds ? 

Sally. Yes, I will tell you where to buy 
it. Ah, you are wicked ! 

Jor. No — no, I'm not. 

Sally. Yes, yes, you are as wicked as you 



48 THE TRIUMPH OF THE PHILISTINES act i 

are beautiful. I can see it in your eye. {Put- 
ting her finger nearly in his eye. ) Let me look 
in your eye. {He submits, very troubled. She 
looks in his eye, suddenly squeals.) Ah ! {Pun- 
ning away from hi?n ; he runs after her.) Ah! 
Go away ! You are wicked ! Go away ! Go 
away ! 

Enter Pote, l. Jorgan stands solemn and stern. 

Sally {to Pote). He is wicked that 
pretty, pretty gentleman. {Exit, r.) 

Pote. Are you ready to go ? 
Jor. {taking out purse). In one moment, 
Pote; take this. {Giving note.) 

Pote. What for ? 

Jor. Ten pounds for the new wing of the 
orphanage. Pote, there isn't a man in Market 
Pewbury that keeps a stricter watch on him- 
self than I do, and if I'm ever led away for 
one moment from the strict path, I always 
make ample reparation. Take it. Order our 
pony round. I'll join you directly. 

{Exit Pote, l., a little puzzled. Jorgan 
is following, at the door he suddenly 
turns, stands irresolute, goes up to 
door, R., where Sally has gone off, 
checks himself, comes back to the pic- 
ture, looks at it. His eye falls on 



act I THE TRIUMPH OF THE PHILISTINES 49 

the swords ranged round the room. 
He looks round carefully at all the 
doors, takes down a sword, stabs it 
through and through the picture, drops 
the sword, and creeps off noiselessly, r.) 

Curtain. 

(Four months pass between Acts I. and II.) 



ACT II 

Scene the same, the Picture and Easel 
removed 

Discover Willie Hesselwood in ulster and with 
travelling cap as if prepared for a journey. 

Enter Alma, r. 

Alma. Ah, Willie, you're ready to start then ? 

Willie. Yes. London to - night ! And 
straight away to Rome to-morrow morning, 
thanks to Sir Val. What a brick he has 
been to me ! 

Alma. He has quite made up to you for 
the loss of the picture ? 

Willie. Yes, so far as money goes. But 
I'd give one of my ears and the tip of my 
nose to bring it home to that beast Jorgan. 

Alma. I'm afraid we shall never be able 
to prove it. 

Willie. No. But I'm quite sure it was 

(50 



act II THE TRIUxWH OF THE PHILISTINES 51 

Jorgan. However, it's no use crying over 
damaged Bacchantes ! 

Alma. You've quite got over your foolish 
attachment to this girl ? 

Willie. Oh yes. That's all done with. 
Though just to make sure that I'm an inter- 
esting person, I pretend sometimes that I've 
got a cannon-ball here. 

Alma. Where ? 

Willie. Here, where my heart ought to be ? 

Alma. I cannot understand 

Willie. What ? 

Alma. How you could have wasted your 
love on such a woman. 

Willie. Oh, she fascinated me. I knew 
I was a fool, and I knew she was — what does 
it matter what she is ? But I did love her ! 
Yes, I did love her ! 

Alma. Why haven't you done another pic- 
ture of her ? 

Willie. I couldn't. The inspiration was 
gone. These last few months I've hated her. 

Alma. Why ? 

Willie. Oh, the moment I took off the 
property halo and the property wings I'd lent 
her, I saw she wasn't an angel at all, but 
only an animal. 

Alma. Why didn't you let me send her 
away ? 



52 THE TRIUMPH OF THE PHILISTINES act ii 

Willie. Because I really wished to paint 
the picture for Sir Valentine. 

Alma. For Sir Valentine. {Bitterly.') Yes, 
I suppose her picture would have a great 
value for Sir Valentine. 

Willie. No. It's not that. Sir Valentine 
only wished to have her picture for the sake 
of encouraging me. 

Alma. But you've heard — no, I won't 
speak of this gossip ! But you might have 
told me, Willie. Then she would have gone, 
and we should have been spared all this scan- 
dal and disgrace. 

Willie. I thought the old feeling for her 
would come back again, Now I know it never 
will. That's the reason I'm off to Rome. 
I shall get some fresh inspiration there. 

Alma. And do you take your property 
wings and property halo with you ? 

Willie. Yes, to stick them on the first 
thing in petticoats that meets me. 

Alma. Is that a man's love ? 

Willie. Well, it's an artist's. 

Alma. And the cannon-ball ? Is that a 
property cannon-ball ? And your heart, is it 
a property heart ? 

Willie. No, not altogether. I did love 
her, and she taught me how to paint, that's 
one comfort. I'll grind her down into pic- 



act II THE TRIUMPH OF THE PHILISTINES 53 

tures. I'll get some gorgeous flesh-tints out 
of her before I've done with her. 

Alma. Oh, Willie, you shan't say it's all 
hypocrisy. Art isn't hypocrisy. 

Willie. No, not to the artist. 

Alma. Love isn't hypocrisy, religion isn't 
hypocrisy. Tell me before you go that love 
and religion are realities. 

Willie. Yes, to everybody but the artist ; 
but they must never be anything more than 
playthings to him, or he's done for. 

^/^Wheeler, r., announcing Lady Beauboys. 

Willie. Good-bye. Thanks for all your 
goodness to me. Thanks again and again. 
(Goes a step or two from her, returns.) I want 
to tell you something before I go. Sir Val 
has only been good to me because he knew 
it would please you. 

Alma. Ah no ! I can't believe that. 
Good-bye. 

Enter Lady Beauboys. Exit Wheeler. 

Alma. Mr. Hesselwood is leaving for Rome. 
Lady B. Yes, so Sir Valentine told me. 
Good-bye, Mr. Hesselwood. 

Willie. Good-bye, Lady Beauboys. I 



54 THE TRIUMPH OF THE PHILISTINES act ii 

shan't forget Sir Val's kindness, and I'll paint 
him a Bacchante some day ! By Jove, my 
next Bacchante ! She shall bewitch creation ! 
(Exit, l., with great buoyancy.} 

Alma. And now he is gone I can get rid of 
that girl. She must go to-day. {Rings bell.) 

Lady B. My dear, of course she must go. 
I can't think why you've allowed the hussy to 
stay here so long. 

Alma. Willie said he couldn't paint his 
picture without her. 

Lady B. He hasn't been able to paint it 
with her. 

Alma. What reason shall I give her for 
sending her away ? 

Lady B. Her conduct. 

Alma. What conduct ? 

Lady B. Surely to be seen in the High 
Street of Market Pewbury in a blue velvet dress 
with gold embroidery is sufficient reason of it- 
self to prove that she is not a desirable inmate 
of any respectable house. To say nothing of 
the red satin with the spangles. 

Wheeler enters at door, r. 

Alma. Will you find Mademoiselle Lebrune, 
and say that I wish to see her at once ? 

{Exit Wheeler, r.) 



act II THE TRIUMPH OF THE PHILISTINES 55 

Alma {anxiously going to her). Lady Beau- 
boys, you fear — what I fear? 

Lady B. I certainly should have thought 
that Val would have had better taste. 

Alma. Than to stoop to such a creature. 

Lady B. Oh, I don't mean taste in crea- 
tures. I mean taste in dresses. The blue 
velvet ! The red satin ! Though certainly the 
hussy looks very piquante in them. 

Alma {very anxiously). Then, Lady Beau- 
boys, you do think Sir Valentine 

Lady B. My dear, all this finery must come 
from some rich fool's pocket. There aren't 
many rich fools in Market Pewbury. If Val 
isn't the identical rich fool, who is ? At any 
rate we'll give ourselves the benefit of the 
doubt, and start the baggage about her 
business. 

Alma {bitterly). How can men lower them- 
selves ? 

Lady B. Ah, how can they, the wretches ? 
How can they ? How can they ? How can 
they ? The only answer to that conundrum is? 
"They can, and they do, and they will." As 
to Val, he's like every young man, that is, every 
healthy young man that ever lived. Nature has 
brought him to this great banquet of life and 
pleasure, given him an appetite, and spread the 
table in front of him. Do you think he'll turn 



56 THE TRIUMPH OF THE PHILISTINES ACT II 

his back on the feast because Market Pewbury 
shouts out that it's wicked to taste ? No ! 
He'll sit down to it. And its no use blaming 
him. If anybody is to blame, it's Nature. 

Alma. It seems to me that Nature is a 
dreadful bungler in everything that she does for 
women. 

Lady B. Yes. There does seem to be a 
screw loose somewhere. But depend on it, after 
all, Nature is wiser than any of us, wiser than 
any old woman amongst us, wiser even than 
any young woman amongst us. And it's no good 
scolding her, for she will have her way. What 
we have to do as guardians of our homes, guar- 
dians of our children, guardians of what is 
called morality, is to behave ourselves, set a 
very high price on ourselves, make our homes 
attractive, and bash away the minxes. It's no 
use bashing away the men. That only drives 
them into the arms of the minxes. Now ! 
We'll bash away this minx in blue velvet. 
Where is she ? 

Alma. It's a hateful world. Are all men 
alike ? 

Ladv B. Every son of the old Adam that I 
have ever met had a strong family likeness to 
his father. 

Alma. But Sir Valentine seemed so differ- 
ent 



act ii THE TRIUMPH OF THE PHILISTINES 57 

Lady B. You mean that he has paid you a 
great deal of attention lately. 

Alma. I mean nothing. I was mistaken. 

Lady B. No, my dear, I think not. I 
believe — I feel sure — that Val is really at- 
tached to you. 

Alma. Oh no, no ! He can't be, or he 
wouldn't 

Lady B. My dear, trust me ; I'm quite sure 
he cares for you, and when we've bashed away 
this minx 

Alma (indignantly} . What then ? When the 
superior attractions of impudence, immodesty, 
and vulgarity are taken out of a man's way, then 
perhaps the feeble, wishy-washy charms of mod- 
esty, constancy, good manners, and ladyhood, 
may stand their poor little chance of captivating 
his heart ! No, Lady Beauboys, I don't mind 
owning to you that I believe I could have cared 
very deeply for Sir Valentine, very, very deeply. 
But I won't {almost in tears) be second where 
this woman has been first, or (dropping voice to 
bitter sneer} fifty-first where she has been 
fiftieth. 

Lady B. Very well, my dear. But don't 
deny yourself the satisfaction of seeing her 
safely off the premises. 



58 THE TRIUMPH OF THE PHILISTINES act ii 

Enter Sally, r., gorgeously arrayed in a blue vel- 
vet dress with gold trimmings, and a very large 
hat with broad ribbon strings, and smothered 
with bmiches of flowers and feathers. She 
enters with great impudence and assurance, 
and chee7'fully salutes them with a profound 
?nock courtesy. 

Sally {blithely). How do you do? {To 
Alma, who takes no notice.) How do you do? 
( To Lady Beauboys, who glares very indignantly 
at her.) I am ver' much glad to see you. 
(Lady Beauboys glares fiercely.) You are not 
ver' much glad to see me ? Weil, I do not care 
one leetle, leetle d. 

(Lady Beauboys indignantly points to her 
dress and hat. ) 

Sally {looking at her dress). What is the 
matter ? You not like my dress ? I think it 
goes me deuce well. (Lady Beauboys again 
points indigna?itly at the hat. ) Ah, my hat ! 
( Takes off her hat. ) He is tipsy, my hat ! 
{Smacks it, and the?i sticks it impudently on her 
head the wrong way. The roses and ribbons and 
feathers waggling. ) How you like that ? 

( Wagging her head at Lady Beauboys.) 

Lady B. {sternly.) Where did you get these 
clothes ? 

Sally. At a shop in London. I go up 



act ii THE TRIUMPH OF THE PHILISTINES 59 

to London and I say to the patron, "Make 
me some pretty, pretty dresses. Make me 
so charming as will send every man cracked 
all over his head when he look at me !" He 
say, "Oh Mademoiselle, I cannot make you 
so charming as you are ! " I say, "Get out! 
Be not a silly fool!" He say {putting herself 
in a very languishing attitude, hand on breast*), 
"Oh, I cannot help myself when I look at 
you!" I say, "Get out! No D. N." 

Lady B. {solemnly). What is " D. N."? 

Sally {slowly and mysteriously). "D. N." 
is what you say in England. 

Lady B. {trying to recollect, and tumi?ig to 
Alma interrogatively). We don't say "D. N." 
in England. 

Sally. No, you dare not say it, but you 
think it. 

Lady B. What does it mean ? 

Sally. Ask Sir Valentine ; he will tell you. 
Well, I say to the patron, "Get out! No 
D. N. Make me the pretty, pretty dresses !" 

And he make them, and 

{Strikes an attitude with outstretched 
arms, that shows off the dress.) 

Lady B. {same stern, indignant tone). 
Where did the money come from ? 

Sally. From my pocket. 

Lady B. From your pocket ? 



60 THE TRIUMPH OF THE PHILISTINES act ii 

Sally {turns out the pocket of her dress ; 
shows it quite empty). See, I have made it 
quite empty. 

Lady B. Yes ; but you're making some- 
body else's pockets quite empty. 

Sally. Somebody else ? Who is he ? 

Lady B. Yes. Who is he? Who is he? 
That's what I want to know. Who paid for 
this? {Pointing to the dress indignantly.) And 
this ? {Pointing to the hat. ) Do you hear ? 
Who paid for them ? 

(Sally strokes her chin, and then very 
slowly and elaborately winks at Lady 
Beauboys.) 

Lady B. {throws up her arms in despair; 
goes to Alma). My dear ! Tell her to go ! 

Alma {who has been watching the scene with 
great interest). Mademoiselle Lebrune, you 
will please to leave the studios this evening. 

Sally {alarmed). Leave the studios this 
evening ! Where will I go ? 

Alma. Where you please. 

Sally {goes to LAdY Beauboys). Where 
will I go ? Where will I go ? 

Lady B. Go home to your mother, and 
ask her to take off all this flummery, and 
make a decent, respectable girl of you ! 

Sally. No ! I will not go home to my 
mother ! I will not make a decent, respect- 



ACT II THE TRIUMPH OF THE PHILISTINES 61 

able girl of me ! I will not leave the studios 
this evening. 

Alma. You will leave the studios this 
evening. 

Sally {very firmly a?id defiantly bangs her 
hat on her head'), Ver' well ! If I leave the 
studios I will make a great blow-up. Ha ! 
Beware of this little bow-wow ! 

{Showing her teeth.) 

Lady B. How dare you threaten us, you 
hussy ! 

Sally. Hussy ! I will not be a hussy ! 
I will not be a female ! Oh ! You make me 
get out ? Ver' well, somebody else who pay 
for this {touching her dress) and this {touching 
her hat) will get out with me. Ha ! I will 
give Market Pewbury fits ! And beans ! And 
fireworks ! I will flare up Market Pewbury ! 
Hip!" pip! Hooray! {Claps her hat on her 
head. ) Hooray ! 

{Exit l. Lady Beauboys and Alma 
stand looking at each other in dismay.) 

Alma. What does she mean ? Will she 
harm Sir Valentine ? disgrace him ? 

Enter "Wheeler , r., announcing Sir Valentine 
" Fellowes. 

Enter Sir Valentine, r. Exit Wheeler. 
Sir V. How d'ye do auntie ? {Approach- 



62 THE TRIUMPH OF THE PHILISTINES act ii 

ing Alma very tenderly.*) How dy'e do, Mrs. 
Suleny ? 

Alma {coldly). How do you do ? 

Sir V. I called to {stops embarrassed). 

What's the matter? 

Alma. Will you please tell him, Lady 
Beauboys ? {Exit, r. ) 

Sir V. {looks after her). Am I in dis- 
grace ? 

Lady B. Don't you deserve it ? 

Sir V. Well, yes, generally. But what is 
the particular instance ? 

Lady B. This hussy. 

Sir V. Which hussy? 

Lady B. This one here. I think it is dis- 
graceful of you men, when we shut our eyes 
as we do ; when we make believe, as we do, 
that certain things have no existence ; when 
the whole course of our social life is nothing 
more nor less than a huge organised deception 
for the purpose of masking your weakness 
and wickedness, and indulging our silly de- 
lusion that there is a single one of you that 
can be good and constant to us for a single 
hour' — I think it's disgraceful of you men 
not to play the game fairly and keep these 
impossible persons out of our way. They 
don't exist. There are no such people. 
Why won't you help us in keeping up the 



act II THE TRIUMPH OF THE PHILISTINES 63 

social sham when we do it all for your 
sake ? 

Sir V. That's a very pretty little sermon, 
auntie, but what's it got to do with me? I've 
played the game fairly. I've never pretended 
to be better nor worse than I am. I've never 
been ashamed of being a man, or wanted 
Nature to alter the whole course of her 
physiological economy to suit my conve- 
nience. And though I can't pretend to an 
unlimited stock of constancy, yet I think I've 
a passably good allowance — for a man. And 
as for any particular hussy — upon my word 
I don't know what you mean. 

Lady B. This model creature — this Bac- 
chante. 

Sir V. I haven't seen her for some weeks. 
The last time I came here — well, auntie, I'll 
tell you the truth — I did have rather a nar- 
row squeak — the little wretch set her cap at 
me — and I'd a jolly good mind — but Mrs. 
Suleny was here — I'm really fond of her — 
and — I was wise. Yes, it's the only time 
in my life that I've been when a pretty 
woman was concerned. But I was wise for 
once. I can say that for myself. 

Lady B. Is that the truth, Val — the real 
downright truth ? 

Sir V. The real, downright truth, auntie. 



64 THE TRIUMPH OF THE PHILISTINES act II 

That's the reason I've kept away from the 
studios. And I only came to-day to tell Mrs. 
Suleny that she won't be pressed again by 
the Market Pewbury tradesmen. Fentiman 
has been able to make an arrangement 

Lady B. With your money ? 

Sir V. Never mind how. She won't be 
troubled any more, and I'm trying to get 
back the lease of this place, so that she can 
carry on the studios. 

Lady B. Well, I hope you won't succeed. 
High art will never flourish in Market Pew- 
bury. No. Better wind it up and let Jorgan 
come in with his little bread-and-treacle dar- 
lings. 

Sir V. And what will become of Mrs. 
Suleny ? 

Lady B. {with meaning.} Can't you find 
another career for her ? 

Sir V. I'll try. 

{The door bell is heard to ring off.} 

Lady B. It won't be a good match for 
you, Val, so far as money is concerned. But 
I like her, and it's my duty to get you mar- 
ried, and keep you out of mischef. (Wheeler 
crosses from r. to l. Lady Beauboys going 
to door, r. ; comes back.} Then it wasn't you 
who paid for the blue velvet dress ? 

Sir V. Not I. 



ACT II THE TRIUMPH OF THE PHILISTINES 65 

Lady B. Nor the red satin ? 
Sir V. Not I. 

Lady B. Then who did? {Going off, very 
emphatically,') Then who did. 

{Exit, r. Wheeler admits J organ and 

Pote, door, L. Pote enters in his 

usual tiptoe way. J organ enters very 

apprehensively and nervously, a great 

change in his manner since the last 

Act.) 

Jor. {to Wheeler). Don't disturb Mrs. 

Suleny. Don't disturb anybody. Say that 

we merely wish to go upstairs and take a 

few measurements for the new dormitories 

if it is quite convenient. 

{Looks round apprehensively. Exit 

Wheeler, r. Sir Valentine nods 
curtly at J organ. J organ nods 
curtly at Sir Valentine. Pote 
comes up to Sir Valentine in his 
offensively ai7iiable way, holds out 
his hand, insists on shaking hands 
with Sir Valentine.) 
Pote. I hope I see you quite well, Sir 
Valentine. 

Sir V. {giving his hand reluctantly). Thank 
you, Mr. Pote, I'm as well as can be expected 
under my present painful circumstances. 
( Withdrawing his hand rather forcibly. ) I feel 



66 THE TRIUMPH OF THE PHILISTINES ACT II 

a little better now. Mr. Jorgan, I sent Mr. 
P'entiman to you to propose that Mrs. Suleny 
should continue the lease of the studios. I'm 
prepared to pay you a very handsome price if 
you'll give her back the lease. 

Jor. Quite impossible. I want to take 
over the premises at once, and as she's rather 
hard up, I should think it would answer her 
purpose to clear out and let us come in imme- 
diately. This is my great life-work, the estab- 
lishment of this orphanage, and I want to 
hurry it on. 

Sir V. But you can take your orphans else- 
where. There are other sites quite as desirable 
from the point of view of sanitation and mo- 
rality, and quite as advantageous for the con- 
sumption of bread and treacle. 

Jor. No there aren't. I'm going to make 
this spot a great centre of moral influence for 
the boot and shoe trade. I'm going to make a 
clean sweep of all the present abominations. 

Sir V. Abominations, Mr. Jorgan ! What 
abominations ? 

Jor. Artists, and pictures, and Bacchantes 
and so forth. Art itself is an abomination, and 
leads to all sorts of bad and evil courses. 

Sir V. Are you speaking from experience, 
Mr. Jorgan ? 

Jor, Yes. At least not personal experience. 



ACT II THE TRIUMPH OF THE PHILISTINES 67 

But I've seen quite enough of art to convince 
me it's not the sort of thing for Market Pew- 
bury. 

Sir V. Mrs. Suleny's father left her this 
place in trust. She thinks it's a sacred duty 
to obey him. If I offered you a very large 
sum 

Jor. I shouldn't take it. I hold the lease 
of this place from your late uncle, and the very 
moment my term begins, out goes every man- 
jack artist, every picture, everything and every- 
body in this place, out they go into the road 
at the very tick of the clock when I come in. 
Now, does that satisfy you ? 

Sir V. Quite. Good-day. 

{Is going off, l.) 

Pote {follows him to the door, gets in his 
way). I'm sorry we can't oblige you, Sir Val- 
entine, but really I do think we're doing what 
is best for morality. 

Sir V. Do you ? 

Pote. And, Sir Valentine {stopping him), I 
shall call on you for a subscription for our 
orphanage. 

{Offering his hand, Sir Valentine will 
not take it.) 

Sir V. Don't. 

Pote {very amiably). Oh yes, I shall. 

Sir V. Don't. I wish to treat every one 



68 THE TRIUMPH OF THE PHILISTINES act ii 

who comes to the Court with courtesy, but as 
sure as you come there for a subscription for 
any damned thing under the sun, I'll tell my 
servants to take you by the ear like this {taking 
Pote's ear), and kick you from the front door 
to the lodge gates. 

{Exit l. Pote stands aghast, terribly 
upset for some i?wments. ) 

Jor. Now, Pote, let's make haste and get 
this job over. I don't want to hang about here. 

Pote {comes very slowly from the door, much 
ruffled in his meek way, turns round and looks 
after Sir Valentine, much upset). Did you 
hear his language ? And I've always been so 
nice to him. 

{Turns again and looks after Sir Valen- 
tine more in sorrow than in anger. ) 

Jor. Never mind him. We shall get an 
opportunity of making a public example of him 
one of these days. 

Pote {still ruffled). Yes. I always forgive 
my enemies, but I should like to make an 
example of him in the interests of morality. 

Jor. Wait till he stands for Parliament. 
{Looking round very nervously.) I wish they'd 
come and let us see over those upstair rooms. 
We can't do with less than three more dormi- 
tories, can we ? 

Pote. We ought to have four, and then 



act ii THE TRIUMPH OF THE PHILISTINES 69 

we shall be overcrowding. You said something 
about another subscription 

Jor. Yes,, but I can't afford it, Pote. My 
expenses have been very considerable lately. 

Pote. You'll excuse me, but I do think you 
were a little too generous in giving that two 
hundred pounds to our widows' homes three 
months ago. 

Jor. That was a peculiar gift, made under 
very peculiar circumstances. 

Pote {inquisitively). What peculiar circum- 
stances? 

Jor. {troubled*). Very peculiar circum- 
stances, Pote. I cannot quite explain them. 

Pote. You must have been tempted very 
much. 

Jor. Tempted ! Tempted ! What leads 
you to suppose 

Pote. Well, I know you make it a rule to 
keep a strict watch over yourself, and when 
you find yourself likely to be led astray, }^ou 
sentence } 7 ourself to pay a fine to some chari- 
table institution, don't you ? 

Jor. (troubled}. Yes, yes. On some occa- 
sions I do — as a sort of moral compensa- 
tion. 

Pote. I do think it is such a splendid rule 
of conduct. How I do wish everybody would 
follow it ! How all our charitable institutions 



70 THE TRIUMPH OF THE PHILISTINES act ii 

throughout the land would benefit, wouldn't 
they ? 

Jor. Yes, yes, they would. 

Pote {very inquisitively). I suppose on this 
occasion, eh? eh? — you must have been, 
eh? 

Jor. Well, I don't mind owning to you, 
Pote, I was — I was placed in a most unfortu- 
nate position, Pote. Nine men out of ten 
would have forgotten themselves. 

Pote. I am so glad you didn't forget your- 
self. And what was this unfortunate position ? 

Jor. We will not pursue the subject. Suf- 
fice it to say that I remembered what was due 
to myself and to Market Pewbury. I passed 
through the ordeal unscathed. What are you 
looking at? 

Pote. Nothing ! Nothing ! So you resisted ? 

J or. {very indignantly). Of course I resisted ! 
{Louder.) Of course I resisted ! Of course 
I resisted ! 

Pote. I am so glad. But what a large 
amount of moral compensation you would have 
paid if you had yielded, wouldn't you ? 

Jor. We'll drop the subject. 

(Sally's whistle heard off, L. ) 

Pote {who is standing opposite the door, looks 
off). There's that Bacchante person. She's 
gone up to stroke our pony. 



act ii THE TRIUMPH OF THE PHILISTINES 71 

Jor. (alarmed). How dare she stroke our 
pony? How dare she stroke our pony? 

Sally (outside). Woa, woa, pretty, pretty ! 
(Whistling continued.) Pretty, pretty, woa, 
woa, woa ! 

Jor. (much frightened, bursts out). Now, are 
we to be kept here all day ? (Stamping and 
shouting.) My time's precious! I w r ant to see 
over this building. 

Sally enters l., whistling, stops on seeing 

JORGAN. 

Sally. What is the matter, pretty, pretty 
gentleman ? 

Jor. (taking no notice of her, goes to Pote). 
Pote, go round the house to the other door, 
and ask them how they dare to keep me wait- 
ing like this ! 

( Tries to get Pote off at door, l. ) 
Pote (a little protesting). Yes, but what 
shall I say ? 

Jor. (shouting him down, hustling him off at 
door, l. ). Go round and demand admission! 
I'm in my legal rights. I have the lease of 
this place. I want to make my plans for my 
new dormitories. 

(Bundles Pote off at door, l., turns to 
Sally, stares at her in a helpless, 
pitiable way. ) 



72 THE TRIUMPH OF THE PHILISTINES act ii 

Sally {watching him comically}. Pretty, pretty 
gentleman, you are in a devil of a temper ! 

Jor. Yes, I am, so you'd better keep out 
of my way. Understand, madam, I decline to 
have anything to do with you. Our friend- 
ship, I mean our acquaintance, is at an end. 

( Very emphatically. ) 

Sally. Ah ! See here, pretty, pretty gentle- 
man. Do you see ? ( Carefully opens one eye 
with her hand.) Is there one leetle, leetle 
piece of green in that eye ? No ? Well, see 
in this other. {Carefully opens the other for him 
to look in it.) No ? 

Jor. I decline to look. I'm a respectable 
man, and I ask you in a respectable way, "Will 
you leave me alone, or will you compel me to 
take further proceedings?" 

Sally. I think I will compel you to take 
further proceedings. Yes, go on with your 
further proceedings. 

(J organ walks up aud down distressed 
and perplexed. ) 

Sally {watches him and follows his motions 
with her finger). Ah, that is ver' amusing when 
you show your pace! {He stops.) Woa, woa, 
pretty, pretty ! Woa, woa ! That is right. 
Woa, woa ! {He begins again, walking desper- 
ately, she still follows his motion with her finger.) 
Gee up ! Gee up ! Pretty, pretty ! {I??iitates 



ACT II THE TRIUMPH OF THE PHILISTINES 73 

horse's action of walking,') Ah, I love you when 
you gee-up so beautiful like that ! 

Jor. {comes to her desperately). Once for all, 
I don't know you ! 

Sally. Ah, that is what the funny, funny 
rascal thief say to the bobby-policeman. He 
say, "Get out, I not know you, Mr. Bobby ! " 

J or. (more firmly). I don't know you. You 
are a thoroughly bad, disreputable person. 
And I wish you a very good day. 

(Is stalking off towards door, l. . Sally 
darts in front of him, stops him, stands 
with her arms akimbo, her face bent 
fonvard to him.) 

Sally (defiantly). Where you go, pretty- 
pretty ? 

Jor. (firmly). To inspect the buildings for 
my orphanage. 

Sally (very determinedly \ her face to him). 
Go back, pretty-pretty. Go back, pretty- 
pretty ! (He steps backward a step or two, she 
follows him up.) Go back ! 

(Driving him into the middle of the room.) 

Jor. (backing). Look here, don't you drive 
me to do something desperate 

Sally (squeals out at the top of her voice). 
Ah, do what you thunder well please ! Stand 
on your blessed mortal head ! Fir' away ! 
Hooray ! Hooray ! Hooray ! 



74 THE TRIUMPH OF THE PHILISTINES act ii 

Jor. (in an agony of fright}. Don't ! Don't ! 
Don't ! Do be quiet, there's a good girl ! 
(Sinks into chair and cries.*) Oh, if I once get 
out of this mess ! Oh, what a mora] lesson it 
shall be to me ! Oh, what a warning to the 
end of my days ! (Sobbing.) 

Enter Pote, l. 

Pote (inquisitively). What's the matter ? 

J OR. (with a ghastly atte?npt to be calm). 
Nothing. Nothing. This person is suffering 
from a supposed insult. 

Sally. Get out ! Nobody insult me ! 
That is all D. N. 

Pote. D. N. ? What does she mean ? 

Jor. I don't know. I can't understand her. 
It's of no consequence. Are the rooms ready 
for our inspection ? 

Pote. The servant says they are being pre- 
pared, and we must wait here a few minutes 
till they're ready. But (turning to Sally), dear 
me, dear me, what are you suffering from ? 

Sally. I surfer from — no money. There 
is nothing else the matter with me. I have 
plenty of money — all right. I have not plenty 
of money, then you see I will bring what-you- 
call-him to Market Pewbury. 

Pote. Bring who to Market Pewbury ? 



act II THE TRIUMPH OF THE PHILISTINES 75 

Sally. The old Nick gentleman himself. 
Eh, pretty-pretty ? 

Pote. Pretty-pretty ! What does she mean ? 

Jor. {helplessly}. It's impossible to say. 
She keeps on calling me " pretty-pretty" — a 
most inappropriate familiarity. I can't under- 
stand it. We'll go and inspect the wash- 
houses, shall we ? 

{Taking Pote's arm, leading him off.} 

Sally. I will go and inspect those wash- 
houses. 

Jor. Not now, my good creature. 

{Trying to get Pote off. } 

Sally. Yes, my good creature. I will in- 
spect, and when the little duckies come I will 
be their mother, and give them their breads 
and treacles. 

Jor. {fiercely}. You can't ! You can't ! 
Come along, Pote. 

Sally {very determinedly. Same action as be- 
fore}. Go back, pretty-pretty ! Go back ! 

Jor. Perhaps I'd better listen to what she 
has to say, Pote. You go round to the 
other door. 

Pote. But I've been, and they told me 
to wait here. 

Jor. {frenzied, shouts}. I will not wait ! 
I insist ! I will not be kept waiting ! Go and 
tell them, Pote, that I insist on my legal rights, 



76 THE TRIUMPH OF THE PHILISTINES act ii 

as the owner of this house, to inspect the 
upstairs premises at once. Go ! 

{Exit Pote, L.) 

Jor. You won't be satisfied till you've 
ruined me, I suppose. Why won't you take 
yourself off, like a dear, good girl ? 

Sally. Take myself off ? Where will I go 
with myself ? 

Jor. Go back to the Continent. 

Sally. Ver' well, give me plenty money, 
and I take myself off ? 

Jor. I can't give you any more money. 
I've overdrawn at the bank, and I'm in a ter- 
rible mess. Mr. Pote begins to suspect me — 
Mrs. Jorgan begins to suspect me. They're 
both watching me. 

{Groans, looks at her helplessly.) 

Sally. Mr. Respectable man, you are 
pickled ! 

Jor. Look here ! I've come to the end of 
my tether. 

Sally. Tether ? That is money ? 

Jor. Yes, in this case. Not another sixpence. 

Sally. Ver' well, sir. Then / must take 
further proceedings, sir. 

Jor. Further proceedings ? 

Sally (nods). Mrs. Suleny say to me, "Get 
out!" I say to you, "Mr. Respectable man, 
you get out with me." Then the band will play. 



act ii THE TRIUMPH OF THE PHILISTINES 77 

Jor. Band ! What for ? 

Sally. To march us out of Market Pew- 
bury, you and me, Mr. Respectable man, and 
everybody will look at us. 

Jor. You don't mean to say you're going 
to expose me before Market Pewbury ? 

Sally. Yes, I will expose you, if you will 
not expose me plenty of money. 

Jor. Don't I tell you it's impossible — 
simply impossible. (Groans.) Oh, what a 
punishment this is ! Surely I don't deserve 
such a punishment as this ! Oh, what a moral 
lesson it shall be to me ! (Sits and sobs. ) 

Enter Sir Valentine, l. 

Sir V. I beg pardon ! I thought I should 
find Mrs. Suleny here. 

(Looks from one to the other a little puz- 
zled, withdraws, l.) 

Jor. (lifts his face, ivhich shows a sudden illu- 
mination. He rises very slowly, follows Sir Val- 
entine to the door, looks after him, comes stealthily 
up to Sally, pauses, looks at her, then, with an in- 
tensely sinister suggestion, whispers'). Would you 
like to be my lady ? 

Sally (looks at him inquiringly). Get out ! 

Jor. I mean it. Now listen to this. Don't 
you be a fool. It's no good your hanging on to 



78 THE TRIUMPH OF THE PHILISTINES act ii 

me. I won't give you another penny. Do you 
understand that ? Not another penny ! If you 
expose me you'll ruin me, but you'll ruin your- 
self as well. You do as I tell you, and you can 
be my lady. 

Sally. My lady ? What my lady ? 

Jor. My Lady Fellowes, and live at the 
Court. How would you like that ? 

Sally. Oh, that suit me perfectly to the 
ground. But there is no leetle bit of green in 
Sir Valentine's eyes. 

Jor. No, but there is a very strong public 
feeling in Market Pewbury. 

Sally. Public feeling ? What is that ? 

Jor. Public feeling always runs very high 
in England on questions of morality. 

Sally. Morality ? What is morality ? 

Jor. Morality compels people to conduct 
themselves properly for fear of being found out. 

Sally. Oh, you have plenty much morality 
here in England. But me — I have not ver' 
much morality myself, and how will I be my 
Lady Fellowes ? 

Jor. It is already suspected in Market 
Pewbury that Sir Valentine bought you these 
dresses. 

Sally {looks at him). Oh, Mr. Respectable 
man ! 

Jor. When it's known that he has compro- 



act ii THE TRIUMPH OF THE PHILISTINES 79 

mised you, a wave of public indignation will 
sweep over the community, and he'll be obliged 
to marry you. 

Sally. Marry me ? Get out? He will not 
be such a fool ! 

Jor. {staring round). Hush ! He can't help 
himself. You don't know what English feeling 
is in these matters. I tell you he'll be obliged 
to marry you, or make you a handsome pro- 
vision. 

Sally. I have no want of provisions. I 
have want of plenty money. 

Jor. And he'll be obliged to give it to you. 

Sally. What for why ? 

Jor. Because he has compromised you. 

Sally. Ah, get out ? You make larks of me ! 

Jor. No, no ! You stick to it that Sir Val- 
entine is the guilty party, and I'll take care that 
public opinion will make him behave honour- 
ably to you. 

Sally. Behave honourably ? Is that I will 
be my Lady Fellowes ? (J organ nods. Sally, 
clapping hands.) Oh, that is what I was borned 
for ! I will love to be that. I will have plenty 
of dresses and carriages ! {Clapping her hands.) 
You are sure about that public feeling ? 

Jor. Quite sure. Leave that to me. 

Sally. Ah, you are ver' funny peoples in 
England ! 



80 THE TRIUMPH OF THE PHILISTINES act II 

Jor. {suggestively). Then it was Sir Valen- 
tine who bought you these dresses ! (Sally 
winks,) You might perhaps wink at him. 

Sally. Winks not catch him. He not such 
a silly fool as you was. I will find another little 
bit of salt for him. 

Jor. {looking off, l.). He's coming. 

Sir Valentine enters, J organ utters a deep 
"Oh!" of relief, and exit. Sir Valentine 
has entered very carelessly, whistling ; is cross- 
ing from l. to R. without taking any notice 
of Sally, 

Sally {calls). My Valentine ! 

Sir V. {stops halfway across). Well ? 

Sally. Where you go ? 

Sir V. To find my aunt and Mrs. Suleny. 
{Going a step or two, R. ) 

Sally {again stopping him). My Valentine! 

Sir V. Well ? 

Sally. Why you run away from me ? I am 
so ugly, eh ? 

Sir V. You are perfectly charming. 

{At door,) 

Sally {makes him a very polite, impudent bow, ) 
Oh, sir, I think you have the ver' best taste of 
any gentleman I ever meet ! 

Sir V. {rettcrns the bow with great mock cour- 



ACT II THE TRIUMPH OF THE PHILISTINES 81 

tesy). Mademoiselle, you have such exquisite 
taste yourself (glancing at her dress), that I 
accept your compliment as the severest truth. 

(Going to door.') 

Sally. My Valentine ! (Sir Valentine 
turns; she beckons him.) Will you please to 
come here for one little second? 

Sir V. (stands irresolutely at the door a minute 
or two). No. (Opens door ; turns and looks at 
her. Sally beckons again. Sir Valentine stands 
irresolutely for a moment, the?i shuts door ; co??ies 
up to her.) What the devil mischief now? 

Sally. If I am so charming, why you not 
try to catch me ? 

Sir V. Because I should succeed. 

Sally. You not wish to succeed ? Why not ? 

Sir V. Because I cannot consider you as a 
type of the young man's best companion. 

Sally. Oh yes, I make the jolly best com- 
panion for every young man. 

Sir V. Alas ! I fear I cannot accept you as 
a desirable acquaintance, 

Sally. What is desirable ? 

Sir V. Desirable in one sense implies an 
absence of those qualities that make you so 
perfectly desirable in another ! 

Sally. What qualities make me desirable 
acquaintance ? 

Sir V. Well, a little dash of modesty 



82 THE TRIUMPH OF THE PHILISTINES act n 

Sally. Ver' well. How much ? 

Sir V. Ah, that's the point ! 

Sally. I will have just as much modesty as 
you thunder well please. 

Sir V. I'm sure you will. I'm sure all you 
ladies will have, or pretend to have, just that 
amount of modesty that you think will make 
you attractive to us. But I'm speaking of the 
other sort of modesty. 

Sally. Ah, the other sort ? 

Sir V. Natural modesty. Modesty au 
naturel. 

Sally. Modesty au naturel. What is that? 

Sir V. I'm afraid you wouldn't understand it. 

Sally. No matters about modesty au naturel. 
I do ver' well without that, eh ? 

Sir V. {looking at her half contemptuous, half 
attracted}. Upon my word, yes. The least 
suspicion of modesty would spoil you entirely. 
You're perfect beyond perfection as you are ! 

Sally {making him another mock bow). Oh, 
sir, when you speak all the mortal truth like 
that, you make me blush right straight to those 
tips of my blessed toes. {Putting her toe out 
beneath her dress. ) 

Sir V. {moves a step or two towards her). Ah ! 

Sally. Shall I tell you a secret ? When I 
was to London the old woman tell me my 
fortune. 



act II THE TRIUMPH OF THE PHILISTINES 83 

Sir V. And what was your fortune my 
pretty — maid ? 

Sally. She say a "fine young English 
gentleman is coming to love you with all his 
heart." 

Sir V. Fair or dark ? 

Sally. I will show him to you. Come here ! 
{She goes up stage.') Do you hear ? Come here 
when I tell you ! Take that chair ! Put it here ! 
{Making him put chair in front of fireplace and 
looking-glass.) Now that other one. Put it 
there ! {Jumps up on one.) Now be up in that 
chair ! {He hesitates. She speaks very command- 
ingly, rapping on the mantleshelf with her knuckles.) 
Do you hear ? Be up in that chair and do what 
the devils I tell you. {He jumps up beside her. 
She turns his head towards the looking-glass ', 
points.) There is that beautiful young Eng- 
lishman who is going to love me with all his 
heart. 

Sir V. {throwing off restraint). The devil 
he is ! {Puts his arm round her waist.) 



Alma enters in gallery, r. 

Sally {continuing). The old woman say, 
"You will make a lovely, lovely picture to- 
gether, you two ! " 



84 THE TRIUMPH OF THE PHILISTINES act ii 

Sir V. {looking in the glass). Upon my 
word we do, don't we ? 

(Alma has come downstairs. Sir Val- 
entine sees her in the looking-glass. 
He turns his face right round to 
Alma, shows great shame.') 
Sir V. Mrs. Suleny ! 

{Gets off chair, stands showing intense 
shame.) 

Alma {coming downstairs). I fear I've in- 
truded ! Pray consider my house at your 
service. But perhaps it's unnecessary to tell 
you that. {Going off, r.) 

Sir V. {crossing towards her). Mrs. Suleny, 
let me explain 

Alma. Surely there's no need. Every- 
thing is perfectly intelligible. 

Sir V. But you do not believe 

Alma. My own eyesight ? I'm afraid I 
must. {Going off.) 

Sir V. {again stops her). Mrs. Suleny, this 
young lady will explain that — that she has 
not the slighest claim upon me in the world. 
{To Sally.) Is it not so ? {To Alma.) Ask 
her yourself. 

Alma {comes from door to Sally, who has 
got off chair and come down stage). Who gave 

you that dress ? 

(Sally steals a look at Sir Valentine, 
says nothing.) 



ACT II THE TRIUMPH OF THE PHILISTINES 85 

Sir V. Do you hear ? Why don't you 
speak ? 

Sally. Sir Valentine gives me the money 
(Sir Valentine starts') and I buy it in Lon- 
don. 

Sir V. I gave you the money ? 

Sally. Here in this blessed room. 

Alma. You hear ? 

(A slight shrug of the shoulders, turns.) 

Sir V. Mrs. Suleny ! On my honour 

Alma. Ah ! not that stale word, if you 
please. {Exit, r. ) 

Sir V. (turns round on Sally). I gave you 
money ? I gave you nothing but that one ten 
pounds. 

Sally. Ah, but I spend it so well, I buy 
all these dresses with it. 

Sir V. What ? 

Sally. That is so on my honour. 

Sir V. (goes to bell, rings it). You'll ex- 
plain to Mrs. Suleny that you have no claim 
on me — that this is a mistake. 

Sally. Ah ! there is no mistake. 

Enter Wheeler, r. 

Sir V. Will you ask Mrs. Suleny if she 
will be kind enough to step here for one mo- 
ment ? (Exit Wheeler. ) 



86 THE TRIUMPH OF THE PHILISTINES act ii 

Sir V. You will tell Mrs. Suleny the 
truth ? 

Sally. Oh yes, all the blessed mortal truth. 
That you love me ver' much 

Sir V. What ? 

Sally. And you will have honourable in- 
tentions. 

Sir V. I have the most honourable inten- 
tions to keep out of your way for the future ! 

Sally. Ah ! you think that you will keep 
out of my way ! Oh no ! You will keep ver' 
much in my way. 

Re-enter Wheeler. 

Wheeler. Mrs. Suleny is engaged, Sir 
Valentine, and cannot see you. 

Sir V. I must see her. Please to say that 
it is most important. I must see her. 

{Exit Wheeler, r.) 

Sir V. Now, let me understand you. What 
the devil do you mean? 

Sally. Oh, sir, you know ver' well ! You 
are the guilty party. 

Sir V. Guilty party ! Guilty of what ? 

Sally. You have compromised me. You 
love me ver' much. I love you ver' much. 
And now we come to business. 

Sir V. Business ? 



act ii THE TRIUMPH OF THE PHILISTINES 87 

Sally. Public feeling runs very high in 
England. 

Sir V. Public feeling? 

Sally. On questions of morality. 

Sir V. Morality ? What have you and 
morality got to do with each other ? ( Takes 
her by the hand, drags her towards r. ) You'll 
come with me to Mrs. Suleny 

Enter Wheeler, r. 

Wheeler. Mrs. Suleny is not at home, 
Sir Valentine. 

{Exit Wheeler. Sir Valentine drops 
her arm, stands perplexed.') 
Sally. Ah ! {Coming up to him.) You see 
you must behave honourably to me. You 
must make me your lady ! 

Sir V. {seizes both her arms). Make you my 
lady ! I'll see you at the devil first ! 

( Throws her into the rocking-chair. She 
rocks to and fro singing a snatch of a 
French song. He walks up and down 
the room in a tempest of indignation, 
shame, anger, and bewilderment.) 

Curtain. 
{Two days pass between Acts II. and III.) 



ACT III 

Scene — the same 

Afternoon. Discover Jorgan, Wapes, Modlin, 
Corby, Blagg, and Skewett. They have just 
been shown in by Wheeler, who is crossing to R. 

Wheeler. If you'll wait here a few minutes, 
gentlemen, I'll see if the studios are ready for 
you. 

J or. {who is evidently in very good spirits}. 
No hurry ! no hurry ! Tell Mrs. Suleny to suit 
her own convenience. She's leaving to-day ? 

Wheeler. Yes, sir, this evening. She 
expected to leave this morning, but found she 
wasn't quite ready. 

Jor. {genially}. No hurry ! no hurry! We're 
so overcrowded in our present place that I've 
been obliged to bring on my first batch of 
orphans to-day. But no hurry, so long as we 
can give the poor little dears a shakedown for 
the night. (Wheeler is going off, R.) 

(88) 



act in THE TRIUMPH OF THE PHILISTINES 89 

Jor. {calls him). Ha!— have all the other 
inmates cleared out? 

Wheeler. Everybody except Mademoiselle 
Lebrune. 

Jor. Mademoiselle Lebrune? You allude 
to the young French female ? 

Wheeler. Yes, sir. 

Jor. And why is she allowed to stay ? 

Wheeler. Well, sir, we can't get rid of her. 
Mrs. Suleny have told her to be off ; but, so far 
as I can gather from her language, she says that 
she'll see Mrs. Suleny — hem — further first. 
She means to stick here till Sir Valentine comes 
for her, she says. And an hour ago, sir, she 
sends off a telegram to Sir Valentine asking him 
to send a carriage and pair to take her to the 
Court. It's the rummest go as ever I heard on. 
(Giving way to an involuntary laugh.} 

J or. (sternly}. Don't laugh ! It's no laugh- 
ing matter. 

Wheeler. No, sir. 

Jor. Tell Mrs. Suleny that the town council 
have come to take formal possession. 

Wheeler. Yes, sir. (Exit, r.) 

Wapes. This is a shocking business to have 
happening right under our very noses. 

Blagg. Likewise the noses of our wives ! 
Likewise our daughters ! Likewise our sons ! 

Skew. Drive 'em out of the town, I say ! 



90 THE TRIUMPH OF THE PHILISTINES act hi 

Brand 'em and drive 'em forth from out our 
midst ! 

Jor. Yes. Let this be a great moral lesson 
to us all ! Let it be a warning of the awful mire 
a man gets sunk into when he once leaves the 
straight path of moral duty and respectability. 
And let us all be thankful that we are, I trust, 
completely fortified. 

Mod. {looking up to the ceiling). Well, I can 
speak for myself. 

Wapes. Yes, it'd take a good deal in the 
way of feminine corruptibility to lead me 
astray. 

Corby. So it would me. When I was in 
London last bank holiday, a very pretty woman, 
in a blue dress, comes up to me quite in a larky 
way 

Jor. {sternly). We are not assembled to 
discuss females in blue dresses. We are here 
to install our first batch of orphans. ( Uneasily.) 
I can't think what has become of Pote 

Wapes. I met him at the station yesterday 
morning. He said he w T as going to London on 
very particular business. Ain't he come back ? 

Jor. No ; and he knows we take possession 
to-day. Now, gentlemen {looks all round, rubs 
his hands genially), whilst we're waiting, as 
you're all subscribers to the asylum, I think we 
might decide what we'll do here. This is to be 



act in THE TRIUMPH OF THE PHILISTINES 91 

the dining-room ; and I think, to start with, 
we'll make a clean sweep of all this. 

(Pointing to the hangings and decorations. ) 

Skew. Burn it, burn it ! Don't let it lead 
the minds of the orphans from higher things. 
Burn it ! 

Jor. You're an upholsterer, Mr. Wapes, 
and, with the sanction of my committee, I shall 
propose that you cart away all this rubbish, and 
re-decorate this hall in a chaste and suitable 
way. 

Wapes. Yes, I've got some nice new patterns 
in curtains and wall-papers, just fresh down 
from Tottenham Court Road, very pretty and 
artistic. 

Skew. Artistic ! We won't have anything 
artistic here. I shall withdraw my subscription. 

Wapes. Don't fly out, Mr. Skewett ! There's 
different ways of being artistic. Some people 
are artistic in one way, and some people are 
artistic in another. Let everybody be artistic 
in his own way. That's my motto as an 
upholsterer. 

Skew, {viciously blinking all round}. Burn it, 
I say ! burn it all ! 

Wapes. Quite so. Burn all this, if you like 
{sweeping his hand round ) ; because it's in bad 
taste. Looking at it as an upholsterer, I call it 
in very bad taste. But don't burn things that 



92 THE TRIUMPH OF THE PHILISTINES act III 

are artistic according to the taste of Market 
Pewbury ! 

J or. Well, at any rate, we'll do away with 
all this. {Sweeping his hand round ; bell rings 
off, l.) And we'll make a fresh start. I can't 
tell you, gentlemen, how I shall devote myself 
to the work of purifying the moral atmosphere 
of this place, and making it a beacon light to 
the great staple industry of Market Pewbury. 

(Wheeler crosses from r. to l., and goes 
to door.') 

J or. {proceeding cordially). Let's get to busi- 
ness, gentlemen ! Don't let the grass grow 
under our feet. Remember, our first band of 
little pilgrim orphans are already on their 
peaceful war-path. I dare say they are now 
carolling in the train, and making every station 
along the line resound with their joyous melody. 

Wheeler {comes from door, l. , and brings 
telegram to Mr. Jorgan). Sent on from your 
manufactory, sir. {Exit, r.) 

Jor. {taking it). I daresay this is from Pote. 
{Opens it; looks uneasy and puzzled.) 

Wapes. Is it from Mr. Pote? 

Jor. Yes. 

Wapes. And what does he say ? 

Jor. I don't ^understand it. " Don't pro- 
ceed further with Orphanage till you have seen 
me. Most important. Shall reach Pewbury 



ACT ill THE TRIUMPH OF THE PHILISTINES 93 

two forty-five." (Taking out watch.*) He'll be 
here directly. 

Enter Alma, l. J organ co?itinues to look at 
telegram very anxiously. 

Alma. The west wing is now quite cleared, 
Mr. Jorgan, if you wish to take possession. 

Jor. Thank you, Mrs. Suleny. I'm much 
obliged to you for clearing out before your time. 

Alma. Don't mention it. I wished to leave 
Market Pewbury, and it answers my purpose to 
let you come in at once. 

Enter Wheeler, r., announcing Lady Beauboys. 
Enter Lady Beauboys with a light shawl, 
parasol, and fan ; during the following scene 
she takes off the shawl, and puts all three of 
the7n on chair. Goes to Alma, shakes hands. 

Alma. Wheeler, show these gentlemen to 
the west wing, and give them the keys. 
Wheeler. This way, gentlemen. 

(Exit, r. Exeunt Corby, Blagg, Mod- 
lin, Wapes, Skewett, and Jorgan. 
Jorgan goes last, reading over the tele- 
gram very anxiously.) 
Lady B. My dear ! (Kisses Alma.) Has 
Sir Valentine arrived ? 



94 THE TRIUMPH OF THE PHILISTINES act hi 

Alma. Arrived? No. At least, I've not 
heard. He wrote to me yesterday. 

Lady B. And you didn't reply ! Naughty 
girl ! Now about this hussy ! Where is she ? 

Alma. I've told her to go. 

Lady B. Why haven't you turned her out? 

Alma. Because — because I'm still weak 
and foolish enough to let her stay here rather 
than she should cause disgrace to Sir Valentine. 

LadyJ3. What further disgrace can she 
cause him? The story's all over the country. 
Some correspondent has sent an account to the 
London papers, and they're full of it. She can 
surely do him no further harm. 

Alma. I don't know. I believe I'm foolish 
enough to let her stay here because — oh> 
isn't it weak of me ? — I've been afraid that 
she'll go to him ! {Ring at door, l. ) 

Lady B. My dear, he's coming here, and if 
you don't see him ■ 

Alma. What then ? 

Lady B. The wretch has actually tele- 
graphed to him to bring a carriage and pair to 
fetch rher. 

(Wheeler crosses fro?n r. to l. ; goes to 
door. ) 

Alma. Well ? 

Lady B. As soon as he received the tele- 
gram he ordered the new landau and his pair of 






act in THE TRIUMPH OF THE PHILISTINES 95 

chestnuts, and he's driving up here for that 
hussy. 

Alma. What ? 

Lady B. My dear, if you don't take him in 
hand, I do believe he'll drive with that baggage 
and all her baggage through Market Pewbury 
in an open landau ! 

Alma. No ! No ! Impossible ! 

(Wheeler comes from door, l. ) 

Wheeler. Sir Valentine Fellowes is out- 
side, ma'am. 

Alma. I'm not at home. 



Sir Valentine enters, l. 

Alma (very coldly, with great dignity). I'm 
not at home. (Exit, r., followed by Wheeler. 
Sir Valentine stands nonplussed.*) 

Lady B. (vigorously). Well, now I hope 
you're thoroughly well satisfied with yourself. 

Sir V. (grimly). If I'm not I ought to be. 
Look at that. 

( Giving her a newspaper to read. ) 

Lady B. (hastily scans it). You've brought it 
all on yourself, Val. You may as well try to 
batter down a mountain with your fists as try 
to demolish that dull hard mixture of stubborn 
virtue and stupid hypocrisy which go to make 
up English middle-class respectability. Give 



96 THE TRIUMPH OF THE PHILISTINES act hi 

it up, Val ! See where you are ! And all 
through what ? 

Sir V. All through not being an out-and-out 
hypocrite like the rest of my neighbors. 

Lady B. A little decent hypocrisy is the first 
chemisette that human nature puts on when it 
grows out of fig leaves. See what you've lost 
through not wearing that chemisette ! 

Sir V. I don't mind a chemisette. But I 
do object to being cuffed, and muffled, and ban- 
daged, and buckled up into compulsory 
decency. 

Lady B. When you're at sea you must obey 
the rules of the road at sea. When you're on 
land you must obey the rules of the road on 
land. If you go to the right when it's the rule 
of the road to go left, you only get smashed up. 
Now there's no living in England without going 
to the right when people are looking. You can 
go to the left as much as you like when their 
eyes are turned the other way. 

Sir V. But I haven't gone to the left ! 

Lady B. What ! 

Sir V. That's the devil of it ! That's the 
hardship of my position ! I don't mind being 
the hero of a scandal, but let me do something 
to deserve it ! Let me break some woman's 
heart, ruin her reputation, carry her off from 
some other lover, shoot her husband, drive her 



act in THE TRIUMPH OF THE PHILISTINES 97 

to drown herself! As it is, I'm a wretched 
sham ! I've won the Victoria Cross of devilry 
and gallantry, and I've done nothing ! Not 
even kissed a chambermaid — at least, not 
lately ! 

Lady B. You were making love to this 
French hussy two days ago. 

Sir V. Not seriously. And I was interrupted 
even at that ! 

Lady B. Your arm was round her waist. 

Sir V. Yes, it was. And that's my sole 
reward, my only compensation, for having lost 
the woman whom I do really love ; for having 
forfeited the respect of all my neighbors ; for 
being pointed at in the public streets ; and 
being chaffed and bullied in all the newspapers. 
And for being left with the prospect of having 
to pay this French beauty a lot of money to get 
rid of her, or have her hanging round my neck 
for the rest of my life ! 

Lady B. Your own fault for not obeying the 
rule of the road at Market Pewbury. 

Sir V. Damn Market Pewbury ! 

Lady B. It's no use damning Market Pew- 
bury. It's a good average bundle of humanity, 
I assure you. Remember, Val, the world only 
goes on and hangs together because of the vir- 
tue and respectability in it. Hypocrisy and 
humbug don't hold a community together. 



98 THE TRIUMPH OF THE PHILISTINES act hi 

Neither does immorality, however charming and 
delightful it may be. And though there's a 
good deal of cant and humbug in Market Pew- 
bury, there's a good deal of sturdy virtue and 
honesty too. 

Sir V. Ah, just a trifle too much, don't 
you think ? 

Lady B. My dear boy, a certain average 
of human conduct has got to be maintained 
somewhere in the world. And I think we sin- 
ners ought to be very grateful to the good people 
who commit these excesses in virtue and respec- 
tability, as it gives us a chance of striking the 
balance on the other and pleasanter side with- 
out any danger to the general morals of the 
community. Come now ! What do you 
mean to do ? 

Sir V. I mean to strike a good balance on 
the other and pleasanter side. 

Lady B. How ? 

Sir V. I've lost my character. That's all 
right. I've spent a great deal of money in pay- 
ing her father's debts and trying to make her 
happy. That's all right. I've lost her and she 
thinks me a deceiver and a libertine. That's all 
right. I'm stared at and pointed at in Market 
Pewbury, and blackguarded all over the coun- 
try. That's all right. That's my credit account. 
I've paid my scot to English respectability with- 



act in THE TRIUMPH OF THE PHILISTINES 99 

out grumbling. Now I'm going to have some 
fun for my money ! 

Lady B. What are you going to do ? 

Sir V. I'm going to paint myself ten times 
blacker than Market Pewbury thinks me. My 
income is fifteen thousand a year. I'm going 
to spend it all for three years in raising the 
deuce and shocking Market Pewbury ! 

Sally enters, r. , in flame- coloured red satin dress, 
covered with spangles, and hat to match. 

Lady B. My dear Val 

Sir V. My dear auntie — — 



(Lady Beauboys catches sight of Sally, 
draws herself up with great hauteur.*) 

Sally {kisses her hand to Lady Beauboys). 
Ah ! My dear auntie, I hope I see you ver* 
jolly fit to-day ! 

Lady B. You unspeakable creature, how 
dare you address yourself to me ! 

( Turns her back on Sally. ) 

Sally {puts up both of her hands to her nose 
at Lady Beauboys' back, and winks at Sir Val- 
entine). Ah, my Valentine ! You got my 
telegram ? 

Sir V. Yes, mademoiselle. 

Sally. And you bring your carriage and 
gee-gees to elope away with me ? 



100 THE TRIUMPH OF THE PHILISTINES act hi 

Sir V. They are outside, mademoiselle. 

Sally. And I will have your two footmens, 
with all that flour on their heads {gesture), to 
march after me when I walk myself about ? 

Sir V. They are at your service, ma- 
demoiselle. 

Sally. Listen to this, Auntie Beauboys ! 
(Lady Beauboys looks at her with unut- 
terable disdain, sweeps by her, rings 
the bell. Sally makes a grimace at 
her, calls Sir Valentine's attention 
by a gesture of the thu?nb. ) 

Sally. And when we be married, my 
Valentine ? 

Sir V. Never. 

Sally. Never ? You not marry me, my 
Valentine ? 

Sir V. Not if you were the only charmer 
of your adorable sex on this unenchanted 
island. 

Sally. Ah, well — see here, my Valentine — 
if you not marry me, I will make that public 
feeling in England run up ver' high {gesture) — 
right up to the blessed ceiling, on questions 
of morality. 

Sir V. Exactly. Make public feeling run 
as high as you please. That's just what I 
want you to do. 

Sally. What you say ? 



act in THE TRIUMPH OF THE PHILISTINES 101 

Enter Wheeler, r. 

Lady B. Please to find my footmen, and 
bring them here to me. 

{Exit Wheeler, l.) 

Sir V. {to Sally). Make public feeling run 
up sky-high ! I'll help you, and pay you very 
handsomely. 

Sally. What ? You pay me ? Ver' well. 
What will I do ? 

Sir V. I want you to spend the next three 
years of your life in shocking Market Pewbury 
in any and every possible way that your lively 
imagination can devise. 

Sally. Shock Market Pewbury ! Ver' well. 
Listen to this, Auntie Beauboys ! 

Sir V. That dress of yours is altogether 
too modest and quiet 

Sally. Ah! {Looking down it.) What you 
think, Auntie Beauboys ? 

Sir V. Get something a little gayer and 
smarter. 

Sally. Ver' well. You pay? 

Sir V. Certainly. Something really start- 
ling. 

Sally. All right. What colour you think 
suit me best, Auntie Beauboys ? 

Sir V. You'll find it rather dull work 
shocking Market Pewbury all alone. I'll pro- 



102 THE TRIUMPH OF THE PHILISTINES act in 

vide you with a whole regiment of congenial 
associates. 

Sally {with a wild shriek of delighf). Regi- 
ment ! Soldiers ! Listen to that, Auntie 
Beauboys ! 

Sir V. No, not soldiers. But you have 
doubtless a good sprinkling of friends with 
your own tastes and habits — your own par- 
ticular chums, eh ? 

Sally. Oh yes, I have good sprinkling of 
ver' particular chums. 

Sir V. Invite them all down to Market 
Pewbury. Get rooms for them at the Bull and 
George, and all the best hotels. Ask them 
to thoroughly enjoy themselves at my expense, 
and make things hum all over the town. 

Sally. Oh yes, we will make things hum 
at the Bull and George, and all over the 
town. What more, my Valentine ? 

Sir V. Do just whatever you please. 
We'll have a three years' carnival in Market 
Pewbury ! We'll paint the town one univer- 
sal blazing red ! 

Re-enter, l., Wheeler, with two Footmen. 

Lady B. {to Wheeler). Go to your mis- 
tress and ask her to please send me a maid 
to pack this person's belongings. 






act in THE TRIUMPH OF THE PHILISTINES 103 

Wheeler. Yes, my lady. (Exit, r. ) 

Lady B. (to the Footmen). Come with me 
and bring this person's boxes down, and put 
them on the carriage. 

Sally. What you do with my boxes ? 

Lady B. You unmentionable hussy, I'm 
going to take your boxes and your clothes and 
every rag you have, except what you stand 
upright in, and I won't go to my bed this 
night till I've seen you and them safely out 
of this town, you unutterable creature ! 

Sally (shouts'). Hi ! Some bobbies here ! 
She steal my luggages ! Hi ! Some bobbies, 
some policemens here ! 

Enter Alma, r., followed by Wheeler. 

Alma. What's the matter ? 

Sally. Auntie Beauboys goes to steal all 
my luggages. (Runs to Sir Valentine.) What 
will I do ? Tell me what I will do now ? 

Sir V. Go and look after your boxes. 

Sally. Ah ! (Bolts off, R.) 

Lady B. My dear, have I your permission 
to turn that person and her belongings out 
of your house ? 

Alma. The house is Mr. Jorgan's now. 

Lady B. Then I'll turn her out of Mr. 
Jorgan's house, and I'm sure he ought to 



104 THE TRIUMPH OF THE PHILISTINES act hi 

be very much obliged to me. {To Wheeler.) 
Send the maids to me, and take me to that 
person's room. 

Wheeler. This way, my lady. {Exit, r.) 

Lady B. {to the Footmen). Follow him, 
and do as I tell you. 

{Exeunt Footmen, r. Alma is going. 
Lady Beauboys stops her.) 

Lady B. {aside to her). Do take pity on 
him! He'll go to the dogs if. you don't. Re- 
member what we women are sent into this 
world for — remember there is no reason for our 
existence except to save these poor wretches 
of men from following their natural bent of 
going to the dogs. Do save him ! 

Alma {going off, protesting). Lady Beau- 
boys 

Lady B. My dear, I'll see to this lady. 
{At the door.) We'll have no carnival at 
Market Pewbury, and the town shall not be 
painted red. {Exit, r.) 

Sir V. Mrs. Suleny, I wrote to you yester- 
day asking your pardon. You did not answer. 

Alma {a little coldly). There was no answer. 

Sir V. You'll forgive me? 

Alma. I've forgotten it. 

Sir V. {very tenderly). You'll forgive me ! 

Alma. I say, I have forgotten it. There's 
no more to sav. 



act in THE TRIUMPH OF THE PHILISTINES 105 

Sir V. At least you will let me explain. 

Alma. There can be nothing to explain. 
Surely it's intelligible enough. You thought 
you were abroad 

Sir V. I was abroad. I was away from 
my best self. 

Alma. Indeed ; and is that a frequent oc- 
currence with you ? 

Sir V. Not since I've known you. 

Alma. Surely I can have made no differ- 
ence to your — to your escapades from your 
best self. 

Sir V. Don't I tell you since I've known 
you 

Alma. They have been less frequent. That 
is very flattering to me. I sincerely hope 
they will be less frequent still in the future. 
Good-day. ( Going. ) 

Sir V. {intercepts her). No ; you shan't go 
till you understand 

Alma. Very well, let me understand. Let 
me understand how it is, after your words to 
me only a few days ago — ah, you don't know 
how I treasured them ! — how it is that the 
moment I'm away from you, you can forget 
me, forget yourself, make yourself cheap 
to the cheapest creature within your reach. 
Let me understand how it is that men do 
these things ? 



106 THE TRIUMPH OF THE PHILISTINES act hi 

Sir V. Because we are men, and because 
there is no folly or madness too great for us 
where a woman is concerned. 

Alma. And have you much folly and mad- 
ness to answer for? (Pause.*) Why don't you 
speak ? 

Sir V. Surely you don't wish me to speak 
of what must give you pain ? 

Alma. But I do, I do, I do. I won't 
forgive you unless you tell me all your past 
follies and madnesses. 

Sir V. {changing to a light, chaffing tone). 
Very well, then I'll make short work of them. 
I've been the very, very worst rascal that 
ever lived, and there's an end of it. 

Alma. I don't believe you. 

Sir V. But I have. But bad as I've been 
in the past, it's nothing to what I shall be in 
the future if you don't forgive me. 

Alma. I don't believe you. You haven't 
been so — so — so thoroughly bad? 

Sir V. {same light, chaffing tone). No ; on 
the contrary, I have been remarkably good. 
In fact, if any man in this world has been 
thoroughly and entirely blameless, that man 
is myself. 

Alma. I don't believe you. 

Sir V. Very well. Then I've been a mid- 
dling, average, speckled, neither -better -nor- 



act in THE TRIUMPH OF THE PHILISTINES 107 

worse-than-my-neighbour sort of man. Does 
that satisfy you? 

Alma. No ! No ! Why do you torture 
me ? Don't you see that I want to forgive 
you? My heart's aching to forgive you! 
Why won't you tell me the truth? 

Sir V. (very seriously). I will. There are 
hundreds of things in my past life that I'm 
ashamed of. I hide them from you, I hide 
them from myself, not because I wish to 
deceive you, not because I wish you to think 
me white, when I'm — well, not black, but 
rather a darkish shade of whitey-brown. I 
hide them from you because I love you, and 
I don't wish to bring anything profane into 
your presence. 

Alma (pleased). Ah ! 

Sir V. Don't think that we men don't 
value such women as you. The best and 
purest woman in this world doesn't set a 
thousandth part of the value on herself that 
the man who loves her does. We know there 
are two kinds of women. And it's you, and 
not the others, that we will have at our fire- 
sides. It's you, and not the others, that we 
will have for our mothers, and sisters, and wives. 

Alma. But this woman 

Sir V. She's nothing to me. She has 
been nothing to me. 



108 THE TRIUMPH OF THE PHILISTINES act hi 

Alma. Oh, don't tell me that — don't you 
see I want to forgive you ? There never was 
a woman so weak and foolish as I am. I'm 
ready to forgive you anything, everything — 
only do give me some reasonable excuse. I 
want to look up to you. I want to worship 
you. I want to feel proud that you are my 
master. I will do it if you will only be per- 
fectly truthful and frank with me. Oh, do 
earn all my love and faithfulness by not de- 
ceiving me ! Say that you have been foolish 
with this woman — that you have been led 
away — deceived ! say anything — put what 
colour you like on it — only don't tell me 
a falsehood about her. Be open with me. 

Sir V. Give me your hand. Look at me. 
Look straight into my eyes. You shall believe 
me. She is nothing to me ; she has been 
nothing to me. The moment you dis- 
covered us was the only moment when 
such a suspicion could have come to you. 
I was foolish. It was only for a moment. 

Alma. But these scandals about you and 
her? 

Sir V. They are only scandals. There's 
not a breath of truth in them. You believe 
me ? 

Alma. I must when you look at me like 
that. 



ACT in THE TRIUMPH OF THE PHILISTINES 109 

Sir V. No ; believe me because I'm speak- 
ing the truth. 

Alma. I do. I will. 

Sir V. And you accept me, knowing that 
I've not been perfect — in fact, that I've been 
very far from it. 

Alma. Oh, but you are perfect — at least 
as perfect as I want you to be. I wouldn't 
have you changed a bit from what you are. 
There! Aren't we women silly? 

Sir V. And you'll face the scandal and 
marry me ? {She hides her head against him. ) 
I didn't catch your answer? 

Alma. When you please. 

Sir V. To-morrow ? 

Alma. To-morrow. 

(Wheeler crosses l. to r.) 

Sir V. I must wire Fentiman to meet 
me, so that I can get all my affairs straight. 
Have you a telegram form ? 

(Alma goes to desk, gets telegram form. 
Sir Valentine sits dow?i at table and 
writes 771 ess age. Wheeler admits 

POTE, L.) 

Wheeler. Mr. Pote wishes to see Mr. 
Jorgan, ma'am. 

Pote. Oh, if you please, I wish to see 
him quite alone. It's very important. 

Alma. Fetch Mr. Jorgan here. 

{Exit Wheeler, r.) 



110 THE TRIUMPH OF THE PHILISTINES act hi 

Pote. Thank you very much. I'm sorry 
to intrude, but it's really important. (Goes 
up to Sir Valentine, who is writing.) Sir 
Valentine 

Sir V. {very busy over his telegram?). Not 
now, Mr. Pote. 

Pote. But I wish to speak to you. 

Sir V. Not now. I like orphans — I'm 
very fond of orphans — but they really ought 
to be careful whom they employ to give 
them their bread and treacle. {Rising, goes 
to Alma, shows her the telegra?n.) I'll send 
this off and be back in a few minutes. 

Alma {in a low voice to him). And I'll tell 
Lady Beauboys that I've discovered a perfect 
man. 

Sir V. Don't make me out too perfect, in 
case 

Alma. But you're going to be quite perfect 
in the future, aren't you ? 

Sir V. Oh, quite perfect — in the future. 

{Exit, l. ) 

Enter J organ, r. 

Alma {to Jorgan). Mr. Pote wishes to see 
you. {Exit, r.) 

Jor. Well, Pote, what is it ? 

Pote {very solemn and important). Mr. Jor- 
gan, I've made a very painful discovery. 



act in THE TRIUMPH OF THE PHILISTINES 111 

Jor. {ghastly). No, Pote, no ? Not about 
me? 

Pote. Yes, Mr. Jorgan, about you. 

J or. (collapses). No, Pote ! Impossible ! 

Pote. That's what I should have said six 
months ago, but unfortunately it's only too true. 

Jor. What do you know ? 

Pote. You remember Eliza ? 

Jor. (freshly alarmed). Eliza? No! What 
Eliza ? 

Pote. My niece, Eliza Paddon. She stayed 
in Pewbury with me five years ago. 

Jor. What if she did? What's that got to 
do with me ? 

Pote. She remembers you, though you 
don't remember her. 

Jor. Well ? 

Pote. Three months ago I saw her in Lon- 
don, and she told me she had seen you a few 
days before in the company of a young woman 
in the Edgeware Road. 

Jor. What was I doing ? 

Pote. You were looking into all the drapers' 
shop windows, and admiring the dresses. I 
told her at the time she was mistaken, because 
I thought she was. 

Jor. So she was, Pote ! So she was ! 

Pote (shakes his head). My suspicions have 
been aroused for some time past, especially by 



112 THE TRIUMPH OF THE PHILISTINES act hi 

the large sum you subscribed to the widows' 
home three months ago. 

Jor. There ! There ! If I hadn't been so 
conscientious you wouldn't have found me out. 
It's my goodness of heart in trying to make 
amends that has ruined me ! 

Pote {continuing). And when I witnessed 
your strange conduct with this person the day 
before yesterday, I wasn't at all satisfied, so I 
went up to London and I took a photograph of 
you with me. 

Jor. What for? 

Pote. For purposes of identification. 

Jor. That was very underhanded of you, 
Pote. 

Pote. We're obliged to be a little under- 
handed in the cause of morality sometimes. I 
took your photograph, and I went into all the 
drapers' shops in the neighbourhood, and I 
found out where you bought a red satin and a 
blue velvet dress. Oh, Mr. Jorgan ! Oh, Mr. 
Jorgan ! 

Jor. {nearly in tears). That's what I say to 
myself, Pote, a hundred times a day. On think- 
ing the matter over, I decline to believe that I 
could have been guilty. There must be some 
aberration somewhere ! 

Pote. Yes, in your conduct. Oh, Mr. Jor- 
gan ! Oh, Mr. Jorgan ! 



act in THE TRIUMPH OF THE PHILISTINES 113 

Jor. Does anybody suspect me — except 
yourself ? 

Pote. Not at present. Eliza didn't re- 
member you sufficiently to be sure, and your 
eminent character leads her to suppose she was 
mistaken. 

Jor. She must have been ! It couldn't 
have been me. 

Pote. Unfortunately, I've got the bill of the 
red satin and the blue velvet dress. Here's a 
copy of it. {Giving him a copy.) 

J or. {takes it, looks at it). Do the shop- 
people know who I am ? (Puts it in his pocket.) 

Pote. Not at present. But they recognised 
you immediately from your photograph. 

Jor. You won't expose me, Pote ? 

Pote. I'm afraid I must in the interests of 
morality. 

Jor. It can't be for the interests of morality 
for me to be exposed. Oh, Pote, you don't 
know what a moral lesson this has been for 
me — what an awful moral lesson! 

Pote. I'm glad to hear it, Mr. Jorgan, and 
I wish I could see my way to spare you — 
honestly I do. 

Jor. You will, Pote ? You will ? ( Crying. ) 
Remember what my position is ! 

Pote. Yes, you've always been such a pro- 
fessor, haven't you ? That's a pity ! You 



114 THE TRIUMPH OF THE PHILISTINES act hi 

shouldn't have professed more than you were 
able to act up to. 

Jor. I always thought I was able to act up 
to it. And I intend to for — the future. Do 
let things stay as they are ! 

Pote. But everybody thinks Sir Valentine 
is guilty 

Jor. Well, that won't matter to him so 
much. He has never professed to be so very 
moral, so his character won't suffer as mine 
will. Besides, if he isn't guilty of this, you 
may depend he's guilty of something quite as 
bad, if not worse. You won't expose me, 
Pote? 

Pote. I really wish I could see my way to 
spare you. I w T ant to do what is best for the 
interests of morality. 

Jor. That's it — that's it ! Don't make it a 
personal question. Let's see what will be best 
for the interests of morality. Don't speak loud, 
Pote ! So many people are about (Goes 
anxiously to both doors to see that no one is looking. ) 
Now let's reckon up what will happen if I'm 
exposed. Morality in Market Pewbury will 
receive such a blow as it will never recover 
from, and then see what an effect it will have 
on our business. Although we do cut prices 
very fine, and our trade's increasing, yet you 
must remember that ours is a very moral 



ACT in THE TRIUMPH OF THE PHILISTINES 115 

connection, Pote \ and if my misfortune is 
known, our trade will suffer for years. 

Pote. Yes, that's true; but I don't think 
I ought to put business before morality. 

Jor. Certainly not — certainly not! Let's 
put morality first. In spite of my misfortune, 
I assure you, Pote, there isn't any man more 
moral at heart than I am. Well, see the effect 
it will have on the character of the boot and 
shoe trade generally. It will distinctly lower 
our profession in the eyes of the world. And 
then the orphan asylum. 

Pote. Yes, I forgot. The first lot of 
orphans arrived at Pewbury at the same time 
that I did. 

Jor. Where are they ? 

Pote. Well, it wouldn't do for them to 
come on here whilst things are in this dread- 
ful state, would it ? 

Jor. What have you done with them? 

Pote. I sent them on to the schoolroom, 
and ordered them a bun each ; and told them 
to sing some hymns for an hour or two. 

Jor. Poor little dears ! What's to become 
of them? 

Pote. Ah, that's what I want to know ! 
What is to become of them ? 

Jor. Don't speak so loud, Pote. {Emphat- 
ically.') They i?iust come on here now. If you 



116 THE TRIUMPH OF THE PHILISTINES act ill 

expose me the subscriptions will fall off, and 
the orphan asylum will go to smash. Don't 
stand in the way of four hundred and fifty little 
orphans, Pote. Don't ruin their prospects. 
Do let things stay as they are. Don't expose 
me. 

Pote. Yes, but what about Sir Valentine's 
character? 

Jor. Don't I keep on telling you that he 
has no special moral character to keep up like 
I have. Besides, how badly he treated you 
the other day. I felt quite indignant when I 
saw him pulling your ear. 

Pote. Yes, he did pull my ear, and he was 
quite insulting to me just now. Still, I don't 
feel quite justified in 

Jor. Take my word, you are quite justified, 
Pote. {Very imploringly.} Say you'll let things 
stay as they are ? Oh, Pote, it has been such 
a moral lesson to me ! Quite a blessing in 
disguise ! It will enable me to be such a warn- 
ing and such a terror to evildoers in the future. 
Do keep quiet, and let us have a beautiful 
happy opening of our orphanage asylum. Do, 
Pote, do, in the interests of morality ! 

Pote {after a little pause). Well, perhaps, 
considering everything, it will be conducive to 
the interests of morality if I hold my tongue. 

Jor. {immensely grateful). I'm sure it 



act in THE TRIUMPH OF THE PHILISTINES 117 

will — I'm sure it will! Then you'll let things 
stay as they are, eh, Pote ? 

Sir Valentine enters carelessly, l., stands and 
looks at them. They show slight confusion. 

Pote. Yes, Mr. Jorgan, and I'll fetch the 
orphans at once. 

J or. {again very cheerful and jubilant'). Do, 
Pote, do ! And trust to me to bring every- 
thing to a glorious issue. 

(Pote looks at Sir Valentine, and 
sneaks off, l. Sir Valentine looks 
after him, comes to Jorgan.) 

Sir V. What confounded bit of rascality 
are you bringing to a glorious issue, eh ? 
What's going on here? Eh? eh? 

Jor. I'll give you a bit of friendly advice, 
Sir Valentine. You make haste and clear out of 
Market Pewbury before it gets too hot for you. 

Sir V. Ah ! How so ? 

Jor. Public feeling runs very high in 
England on questions of morality. 

Sir V. {suddenly enlightened). You scoun- 
drel ! you hypocrite ! 

Jor. What now? What now? 

Sir V. That woman is your accomplice ! 
Own it ! You've put her up to slander and 
blackmail me. Own it! Confess! {Pause.) 



118 THE TRIUMPH OF THE PHILISTINES act hi 

Jor. {looking round uneasily). If I confess, 
will you let me off, eh ? If I persuade her to 
go off quiet, will you let me keep my char- 
acter ? 

Sir V. No, I'll expose you. Come, own 
it, I say ! {A pause.) 

Jor. {desperately). I know nothing of her. 
Don't you try to palm her off on me. Don't 
you try to make me your scapegoat, it won't 
do. All the town knows your history. 

Sir V. All the town shall know yours. 

Jor. It does. Thank goodness, everybody 
in Market Pewbury knows my character. I 
think my word will be taken against yours. 
But if you don't think so, you try it on. 
Prove what you say ! 

Sally {appears at door, r., calls off). Let 
be my luggages ! Do you hear ? Put down 
my luggages! {Comes to Sir Valentine. ) 

Re-enter Lady Beauboys and Alma, r. 

Sally. My Valentine ! tell our footmens 
to come and take my luggages. 

Lady B. {speaking off). Take them out- 
side ; put them on the carriage ; drive to the 
station, and send them off to London by the 
express train, carriage paid. 

Sally {looking round, sees Lady Beauboys* 



act in THE TRIUMPH OF THE PHILISTINES 119 

shawl, fan, and parasol lying on the chair where 
Lady Beauboys had previously left them, swoops 
down on them). Ah ! 

{Puts on the shawl, opens the parasol, 

fans herself with the fan.) 

Lady B. How dare you ! How dare you ! 

Sally. Ah! get away, Auntie Beauboys. 

You steal my luggages ! Ver' well, I steal 

yours ! How you like me now, my Valentine ? 

{Fanning herself ) 

Skewett enters, l., followed by Blagg, Modlin, 
Wapes, and Corby. They all stand surprised 
and shocked, looking at Sally, who stands fan- 
ning herself and twirling round the parasol. 

Sally. Ah ! how do you do ? How you like 
this style all of you ? Here, all you gentlemen ! 
How you like me in Aunty Beauboys' rags 
what she stand upright in ? 

Blagg. Are we in heathen Greece and 
Rome, or is this Market Pewbury ? 

Mod. Ain't these your premises now, Mr. 
Jorgan ? 

Wapes. Yes, Mr. Jorgan, this aint the sort 
of thing, you know, to set an example to the 
orphans. 

Skew. Turn her out ! Make a clean sweep ! 
Turn her out ! 



120 THE TRIUMPH OF THE PHILISTINES act hi 

Sir V. I think Mr. Jorgan has a little ex- 
planation to make with regard to this young 
lady. Come, Mr. Jorgan, own up, if you please. 
Tell your friends all your pretty little story with 
this lady. 

Jor. {at bay, very desperately). What do you 
think, gentlemen ! You'll hardly believe it ! Sir 
Valentine is actually trying to palm off his mis- 
demeanour on me ! Yes, gentlemen, he actually 
accuses me — me — of complicity with this 
female ! 

Sir V. {to Sally). Come ! Tell the truth ! 
This man has told you to accuse me so that you 
may get money from me. Do you hear ! The 
truth! It is he who is guilty? 

Sally. Oh no, my Valentine. You are the 
guilty party. You have compromised me. Now 
you must pay up like a gentleman. 

(Jorgan turns triumphantly to his com- 
rades. ) 

Sir V. {stands for a moment or two very quietly, 
looks round contemptously, shrugs his shoulders. 
Very long pause. To Alma). Do you still believe 
me ? 

Alma. Yes. 

Sir V. Are you ready to leave Market Pew- 
bury at once? 

Alma. Quite. 

Sir V. Auntie, my carriage is outside. Will 
you come up to town with us ? 



act in THE TRIUMPH OF THE PHILISTINES 121 

Lady B. What for? 

Sir V. Mrs. Suleny and I are to be married 
to-morrow morning, and we leave England to- 
morrow evening. We shall want you to see us 
through. 

Lady B. Certainly, Valentine. 

Enter Pote, l. 

Pote. The orphans have arrived — they're 
waiting outside. 

Sir V. (genially). Bring them in, Mr. 
Pote — bring them in! (Takes out his cigar- 
case and selects a cigar very carefully, takes out 
match-box, and lights cigar with great noncha- 
lance, during the following speecJi). Gentlemen, 
I regret exceedingly that I've not been able to 
conform to the manners and morals of Market 
Pewbury. An ancient moralist, as you may 
remember, profoundly remarked that when you 
go to Market Pewbury you must do as Market 
Pewbury does. With all respect to you, I'll 
see Market Pewbury at — at Market Pewbury 
first. I had a comfortable little fifteen thou- 
sand a year which I should have been delighted 
to have spent amongst you in making you 
happy. But I regret to say I must keep that 
comfortable fifteen thousand a year in my 
pockets and spend it amongst your more genial 



122 THE TRIUMPH OF THE PHILISTINES act hi 

neighbours on the Continent. {A very sneering, 
contemptuous laugh from Jorgan.) I leave you 
the dust from my feet, and my reputation to 
tear to pieces as you please. And I leave you 
this very charming couple, Mr. Jorgan and 
Mademoiselle Lebrune, to be the pillars of 
morality in your ancient borough. (Jorgan 
laughs again. To Alma. ) Are you ready ? 
Alma. Quite. 
Sir V. Now, auntie. 

(Lady Beauboys and Alma exeunt, l. ) 
Sir V. {cigar in mouth, looks at them a mo- 
ment ). Good-day, gentlemen. 

{Exit. Jorgan, laughing triumphantly, 

watches him off.) 

Sally. He is gone ! {springing on Jorgan's 

neck.) Ah! You are all I have in the world ! 

(Jorgan's face, ghastly with terror, is 

seen above Sally's arms, which are 

tightly clasped round his neck, Wapes 

and the others looking on, surprised.) 

Curtain. 



m i 



6681 



